Oh, Why Hello There.

I've been busy with your bhabi

It has been a while since we last posted. The reason is that Raheelium is lazy and I was busy failing finals, Being held by Border Patrol, and pulling marathon PS3 sessions. While this isn't a true post I decided it was necessary to let all three of you who read this know that the movement lives on. We at BihariShabab are committed to occasionally updating this little known blog because we have a duty to provide you with BCs of the week, jab jee chahe IPL updates, and the opportunity to see Shahrukh Khan's buttocks. So as the summer months roll around there will be more posts than ever and most of them will be worth reading. Stay tuned and enjoy your time here with the BihariShabab where you aren't just a reader, you're a BC (Raheelium, we need to think of a slogan).

Site Down For Maintenance

Well not really. We're just really busy. Expect updates tonight. Abh Keh Liye Bas Itna Hi. Dekh Teh Rehiye Geo News.

Your Occasional IPL Update

You may think that posting this feature three days in a row may seem antithetical to the use of the world "occasional" in the title. But really, what over the last 2 weeks could have convinced you that we know what we're doing? High ho, High Ho, to the recap we go....now with videographic evidence!


Thursday, May 15th
Hyderabad at Delhi
Delhi win by 12 runs
A. Mishra 5 wickets for 17 runs, hat-trick

Leading by 14 runs going into the final over, Daredevils captain Virender Sehwag decided to put the game in the ever so silky fingers of Amit Mishra. And oh did young Amit come through. The leg spinner had himself a hat-trick on the first three balls of the over and gave up a measly two runs off the final three. The hat-trick was the second recorded in the inaugural season of the IPL, coming just 5 days after Lakshmipathy Balaji had his against Punjab, which I imagine, must feel like being the first guy to date Jessica Simpson post-Nick Lachey. An undoubtedly impressive accomplishment, but you know, not the same thing. Amit had 5 wickets in all for 17 runs. Game notes: Delhi - Ben Affleck (DNP-Coaches Decision).

Here's Amit's final over:



Friday's Game:
Kolkata at Mumbai

STANDINGS

Teams	Played	Won	Lost	Points	Net Run Rate
	9	7	2	14	+0.592
	9	6	3	12	+0.458
	10	6	4	12	-0.203
	9	5	4	10	+0.619
	10	5	5	10	+0.331
	8	4	4	8	-0.056
	10	2	8	4	-0.380
	9	2	7	4	-1.381

Leave Me Alone, I'm Studying.

You have no doubt noticed my absence in recent days. This is because I've gone on hiatus (pronounced; high-ate-us) for a week or so until my final exams are over. You see striving for mediocrity is a difficult task, one that requires that I stop writing mediocre blog posts. Fret not for I shall return and until then BC of the week is a tie between the pedophile from New Jersey (not Raheelium or the countless others but the one that was apprehended by the authorities) and in a surprising TIME magazine type twist, you, the reader, for not commenting on any of these damn posts. Congratulations, you are as much of a BC as a pedophile from New Jersey.

Your Occasional IPL Update

Of course the day after I change the name of this feature to ease pressure on myself, I actually find the time to post back to back days. I'm a unique, delicate flower, don't question my judgment. Aur yeh leh laalchi kaameene, yeh aye tere games....


Wednesday, May 14th
Chennai at Mumbai
Mumbai wins by 9 Wickets
S. Jayasuriya 114 off 48 not out


I don't know if Sanath Jayasuriya is married, but if I were Mrs. Jayasuriya I would find it prudent to heed the advice (link extremely NSFW, but oh so worth it. Honestly don't click here if you want to have a productive day at work. You'll keep coming back. It's infectious! I can't recommend it enough.) of R&B superstar Riskay. Sanath got all sorts of filthy on the Chennai bowling attack knocking in 114 runs off of only 48 deliveries to help Mumbai to an easy victory. Super Kings bowler Albie Morkel got abused for 44 runs while irrefutable child spelling bee champion Chamara Kapugedera gave up 26 runs off just 5 balls. He was seen after the game filing the paperwork to officially change his name to "a stripper hoe named Diamond".

Thursday's Game:
Hyderabad at Delhi

STANDINGS

Teams	Played	Won	Lost	Points	Net Run Rate
	9	7	2	14	+0.592
	9	6	3	12	+0.458
	10	6	4	12	-0.203
	9	5	4	10	+0.619
	9	4	5	8	+0.291
	8	4	4	8	-0.056
	9	2	7	4	-0.352
	9	2	7	4	-1.381

Marietta, GA May Not Be Ready For A Black President

In his defense, he's also selling Herbert / McCain 08 T-Shirts. Oh also, I would personally like to thank the unsung hero in this, the unnamed New Jersey-ite who surely bought 100 T-Shirts just to take them off the street. I salute you sir.

Clinton Wins West Virginia in A Blowout....Hill-Billies Rejoice....And I.....

Quietly mutter "motherf**ker!" to myself. Yes Hillary Clinton beat Barack Obama like a rented stepchild in the Democratic Primary for the great state of West Viriginia. Clinton won by a margin of 67 to 26, which our political expert and resident Mathlete Pritam Dodeja tells me is somewhere between 39 and 45%.

Anyway, this means that the race between the Democrats is going to go on at least till the last primary on June 3rd, so you know, enjoy all that democracy.

Cnn.com

India Responds to Bush's Food Shortage Criticism; Calls American's Fatty McFatties

So about two weeks ago President of the US and noted Girls Gone Wild enthusiast*, George W. Bush decided - not surprising, he is after all "The Decider" - that rapidly developing nations like India and China are to be blamed for the current food shortage. Well, to paraphrase once great, currently homeless rapper Noreaga, "India don't play that shit".

Instead of blaming India and other developing nations for the rise in food prices, Americans should rethink their energy policy and go on a diet, say a growing number of politicians, economists and academics (in India).

Oooh snap! I don't like the thought of being in the middle of an India v. US war of words. If only because I, along with numerous hack comics will be forced to make the same "But who will answer our tech support" jokes. Yeah, that's gonna blow.

*Unfounded claim.

Your Occasional IPL Update

See? All it took was a slight change in the title of this feature and now I don't feel the pressure to constantly update. This new found freedom's kinda nice. I think I'm gonna go for that extra level of comfort and post shirtless. Oooh that's breezy. On to the games!


Saturday, May 10th

Punjab at Chennai
Chennai wins by 18 Runs
L. Balaji 5 for 24 including first hat-trick in IPL history

Chennai Super Kings fast-bowler and internationally renowned ladies man, Lakshmipathy Balaji made the girlies squeal with a sexy sexy outing. His 5 for 24 was the second best performance in this inaugural season of the IPL, best only by Sohail Tanvir's 6 for 24. Balaji's day included dismissals of Pathan, Chawla and VRV Singh in successions for the ever hat-trick in the history of the IPL. Although the loss undoubtedly hurt her feelings, Punjab co-owner somehow found the strength to remain adorable.


Sunday, May 11th

Kolkata at Hyderabad
Kolkata wins by 23 runs
S. Ganguly 91 runs off of 57 balls

Saurav Ganguly had 91 runs off of 57 balls while also collecting 2 wickets for 25 runs in an all-round performance reminiscent of Diane Lane's work in Unfaithful. For the record she managed to be regular hot, milfy hot, hot in a good actress type of way. Knight Riders co-owner Shahrukh Khan displayed his pleasure over the victory by eviscerating 4 pillows.

Delhi at Rajistan
Rajistan wins by 3 wickets
Shane Watson 74 off 40 balls

League leading Rajistan found a way to win another close game with 5 balls to spare. Man o' the match Shane Watson had 74 runs while also collecting 2 wickets for 29 runs. The Daredevils put up a good fight but the game served as a microcosm of the frustrating 4-4 season it's been for Delhi. Honestly, 4-4 is unacceptable for a team from the capital. Seriously Daredevils, where do you think this is? Dheradhun? Am I right or am I right people?

Monday, May 12th

Bangalore at Punjab
Punjab Wins!!

Umm, the IPL website for some reason isn't providing me with details about this game so I will do what any responsible recapper would do. Speculate! I'm guessing Punjab hit a six on the last ball to cap an exciting game that ended at 350-351 in Punjab's favor. Co-owner Preity Zinta was charged with larceny of my dil.


Tuesday, May 13th

Delhi at Kolkata
Kolkata wins by 23 runs
Shoaib Akhtar, 4 for 11

Making his much anticipated debut, Knight Rider fast-bowler, and notorious malfeasant Shoaib Akhtar had an impressive day collecting 4 wickets while allowing 11 runs in only 3 overs of work. Akhtar, or "Shoabby" as he is referred to by many a romantically disorientated* youths in Peshawar, managed to live up to the hype created by his sudden expulsion by the Pakistani Cricket Board. And because I've made this a bit, here are your Shah Rukh Pillow Stats for the night: 2 from the thrill of victory. 3 for the heat generated by the Rawalpindi Express.

*The term "Romantically Disorientated" is a registered trademark of Bihari Shabab and the mysterious F.M.

Wednesday's Games:
Chennai at Mumbai

STANDINGS

Teams	Played	Won	Lost	Points	Net Run Rate
	9	7	2	14	+0.592
	9	6	3	12	+0.458
	9	6	3	12	+0.104
	9	5	4	10	+0.619
	9	4	5	8	+0.291
	7	3	4	6	-0.455
	9	2	7	4	-0.352
	9	2	7	4	-1.381

Sorry Bear

In the young history of this blog you have no doubt learned a little about me. I'm brown, I don't like Andrei Kirilenko, Mike Myers, or Katy Perry, and I love Bear Grylls. What you may not know is I'm a heterosexual male. Now that we have that cleared up, I've found a new subject of my man love; Chris Paul.

Chris Paul, for those of you who don't know, is the young point guard for the upstart New Orleans Hornets who are in the midst of a deep playoff run. Also he's insanely good, so good that he resurrected Peja's career, and he's the most exciting player in the game right now (yeah yeah, Lebron and Kobe, I know but I'm trying to fawn over Chris Paul so let me fawn damnit).

Oh did I also mention he's got the heart of an angel? that's right Jamika I love it when he sweats too....err, totally straight ladies.

So Chris Paul, you have taken the place of favorite player, formally held by Allen Iverson (Allen I still respect your game but the heart is an untamed beast, I can't control it.) Now please Chris, stop hanging out with Reggie Bush.

Aray Bill...Itna Ghussa?

In Bill's defense, the teleprompter was probably raised by a gay couple in that Nazi enabling fascist nation of France. Jacque is not to be trusted! I think my favorite part is when he checks his watch to make sure he's not running too late for his loofa session.

NJ: New York, I See Your Adulterer, Coccaine Addicted Blind Governor, And Raise You a Pedophilic International Manhunt

Wayne Corliss, International Man of Pedophilia and apparently Curt Schilling's long lost brother

As our readers, all both of you, may or may not know, the two primary contributors to this blog, myself and the mysteriously asexual F.M., like to engage in a friendly dialogue about who's place of residence is more appealing. I come from the bastion of excellence that is the Garden State of New Jersey, while the Frequent self-Manipulator(he leaves me no choice but to guess what F.M. stands for) hails from the cold, barren wasteland that is upstate New York. Seriously, have you ever been there? It's more depressing to get through than Devdas.

Lately it seems like the two states are playing a high stakes game of poker of who can out sexually deviant* the other.

• First Governor McGreevy admitted to having a homogay affair with another man(obviously) and had to step down, but at least he didn't have to pay for it.
  
• Unlike Governor Spitzer from New York who was caught in a prostitution ring, details of which you already know so we won't bore you with our point of view on it other than to say we totally understand the socks thing. We have sensitive feet too, the last thing you want is for cold extremities to get in the way of your lewd and lascivious good time.
  
• Next, new New Jersey Governor Corzine apologizes for sitting in the front seat of his SUV without a seatbelt on when it gets in to an accident sending him to the ER. Not a big deal really, until we find out that he may have lied about the whole sitting in the front seat thing because he was actually in the backseat with his hot 27 year old assistant and may or may not have been showcasing his umm "jazz hands".**
  
• Finally new New York Governor David Patterson admits to cheating on his wife and snorting cocaine during a rough patch in his marriage a day after being sworn in.
  

Oh silly New York, if you thought making a blind adulterer the governor of your state was going to intimidate the fine people of New Jersey, well then I laugh at just how wrong you were:

A suspected pedophile arrested in New Jersey following a rare Interpol appeal has been described as a small-time actor who often did gigs such as painting children's faces and dressing up as Santa Claus.

That's right! We make internationally-acclaimed pedophiles our Santa Clauses. Do you realize how bad ass that is? It would be like making Mogambo your Minister of Interior. Time to step up your game New York.

*Incorrect grammar

** Not only is this incident not confirmed, but it happened before the Spitzer thing. Why did I put it in here? Because it helps my post and let's be honest, if you've made it down to this part than you've already wasted enough time. Why don't you just stop complaining and let me finish.

More Crazy Nature Stuff.

I was sent this video last night and it is pretty epic. It is a video taken by a group of people at a wildlife reserve in South Africa titled "Battle at Kruger". They were able to capture a pride of lions attack a herd of buffalo, fend of a couple of crocodiles, and then get punked by the herd of buffalo that they attacked only minutes earlier. It's ten minutes long but you really have to watch all of this, I was on a rollercoaster of emotion as I watched it and it's as inspiring as "Stand and Deliver" or "Taare Zameen Par." I'm also going to embed "Maa" from Taare Zmeen Par because I'm listening to it now and crying like a little bitch and I'm pretty much the second most manliest man in the world (first is Bear Grylls, I saw him kill and eat a puff adder raw!).

If you didn't like that then you have a hole in your soul. If you don't dig this, you came to the wrong address.

now, weep.

West Virginia Is For Lovers....Who Happen To Be Siblings

An artist rendering of what we think Mr. Simpson looks like.

I know that so far in this little endeavor of ours we have avoided getting too political. Heck, we've pretty much avoided talking about anything really that doesn't involve the enchanting skills of Rakhi Sawant. There are a couple reasons for this. The first and most important being that we are, for the most part, remarkably shallow. Aww-inspiringly even. The depths of our shallowness really knows no bounds. But another reason is the fact that it is almost impossible to talk about politics without sounding like a big ole' bag of douche. It can't be done. Trust us, we've tried talking with the fine people at SAALT, and we feel like punching ourselves in the face every time an asinine comment of ours like "Barack Obama is totally like Raj Aryan Malhotra in Muhabbaetin, I would totally write on a leaf and salute him if he asked me to" is met with an awkward silence. So we've come to a healthy compromise. We will only talk about politics in the least cringe inducing way possible. Namely highlighting other people's faults and snickering at them from a far.

Sometimes this is going to be easier than others. As in the case of lifelong Democrat and West Virginia resident, Leonard Simpson, who explained to the Financial Times website, why he will not be casting a vote for Illinois Senator Barack Obama in the upcoming WV primary this coming Tuesday.

“I heard that Obama is a Muslim and his wife’s an atheist,” said Mr Simpson, drawing on a cigarette outside the fire station in Williamson, a coalmining town of 3,400 people surrounded by lush wooded hillsides."

The fact that a half retard baboon like Mr. Simpson has a vote is a smidge scary. Do you know how hard you have to work to not know that Obama isn't a Muslim? Not only would you have to go out of your way to avoid any television news in the last year and a half also have to dodge newspapers like they were the plague, or in the case of Mr. Simpson, you know, a black person.

I mean sure it's a little hypocritical for us to be saying this, considering I'm voting for Obama on the basis that he plays basketball and because I like rap music, and because Hillary Clinton's daughter is more uncomfortable talking about her mother in public than Shah Rukh's daughter in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. But I guess what the moral here is that we all go and vote*. S0 we look forward to casting our vote this November alongside you Mr. Simpson, you newspaper avoiding, sister-hitting-on, current BC of the week nominee and front runner, racist to an almost adorable level son of a bitch you.

*So not the moral, but I can't think of another way to end this post.

FT.com
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai - Part 2
Barack Obama Mixtape

Your Daily IPL Update

Your Daily IPL Update is supposed to be recapped everyd..you know what...back off me man. I've got actual work to do. You will get your update when I say you will and you will like it. On to the games.....


Wednesday, May 7th
Rajistan at Mumbai:
Mumbai wins by 7 Wickets
A. Nehra (Mumbai) 3 wickets for 13 runs

The Mumbai Indians seemed eager to take on league leading Rajistan to show off what the most expensive team money can buy is really capable of. Limiting the Royals to a paltry 103 runs in 16.2 overs, the Indians rode the early momentum to a pretty easy win. Ashish Nehra had 3 wickets for 13 runs for Mumbai while it was more of a "pre-Jadoo Koi Mil Gaya Hrithik" performance for Sohail Tanvir. The lefty gave up a respectable 13 runs in 3.1 overs but had no wickets and was heartbroken as Punjab XI Kings' co-owner Preity Zinta revealed that she can only be with him if he retains his special powers.

Thursday, May 8th
Chennai at Delhi
Chennai wins by 4 wickets on the last ball
G. Ghambir(Delhi) 80 runs off 49 balls

Super King Subramaniam Badrinath lofted the final delivery by Shoaib Malik just barely out of the reach of Shikar Dhawan to bring home the winning run in one of the more exciting matches so far in this inaugural season. Malik gave up 13 runs in the final over including a six and a 4 to Madhu Goni. Gautam Ghambir had 80 for The Daredevils but it was in a losing effort so it was pretty inconsequential, kind of like Katie Holmes' nude scene in "The Gift".

Thursday, May 8th
Bangalore at Kolkata
Kolkata wins shortened 16 over game by 5 runs
Boucher(Bangalore) 50 runs-not out

The Knight Riders of Kolkata came together as a team to put behind the controversy that erupted earlier this week, mostly in my head, regarding co-owner Shahrukh Khan's haww scene that we discovered on youtube, to beat the Royal Challengers of Bangalore. Dale Steyn had 3 wickets for 27 runs for Bangalore while teammate Mark Boucher had a match high 50. And they still lost. No some people will say that Bangalore lose because they scored fewer runs in the alloted time. I say never doubt the pillow eviscerating powers of a Shahrukh Khan nude scene on the psyche of the scoreboard. I didn't watch the game but I'm 75% sure the scoreboard willed itself to change the score out of fear that video Shahrukh's nether regions would be played on it's big screens.

Friday, May 9th
Rajistan at Hyderabad
Rajistan wins by 8 wickets
S. Warne(Rajistan) 2 wickets for 20 runs

Nothing exciting happened in this game. Trust me. Leave me alone I'm tired.


Saturday's Games
Punjab @ Chennai

STANDINGS

Teams	Played	Won	Lost	Points	Net Run Rate
	8	6	2	12	+0.605
	7	5	2	10	+0.442
	8	5	3	10	-0.001
	7	4	3	8	+0.654
	7	3	4	6	+0.461
	7	3	4	6	-0.455
	8	2	6	4	-0.240
	8	2	6	4	-1.309

BC of The Week! (Presented by Hajmola "the tasty fun-filled digestive"); Katy Perry

Let me be honest, I couldn't find many deserving BCs this week. I thought I found one in Cedric Benson but it looks like he was a victim of police brutality which I believe he had coming to him after he single-handedly crushed my fantasy football team with his whopping 2 yards per carry average. Then I thought about making Raj the BC of the week but I was told that alienating a fifth of our readership was a bad idea. Finally, today I was driving to work and my senses were assaulted by this abomination of a song by Katy Perry titled; "I Kissed a Girl." Now I have no problems with Katy kissing girls ("to each his own ,"I always say) but I would appreciate it if she didn't also rape my ears. I know that this is probably just an attempt to be all "outrageous" and "zany" and I wouldn't pay any attention to it but it's so terrible and vapid that the only way I can describe it is that it is the musical equivalent of "The Hills." You're gonna watch this video and one of your stupid friends are gonna send you this song because "it's so catchy!" so you know why Katy Perry is the BihariShabab "BC of The Week!" Enjoy, or whatever.

To all you BCs out there, please step up your game for next week.

I've Seen Better Days

Well needless to say the fallout from SRK's video has been immense (your silence speaks volumes) and it got me thinking about the Bollywood of old, well minus the Bollywood of old where Shahrukh exposes his backside and some B list actress exposes her front side. Anyways a major reason Bollywood movies were popular in my home was because it was good clean family fun and then something changed and the song and dance sequences were risque, and there was more than just an overweight actor molesting a young actresses next with his nose, and the females were unbelievably hot, and I could no longer watch these fillums with my family. I mean look at this song, so innocent and it's fun for the whole family, it looks like Raveena and Karishma were evacuated from that FLDS ranch in Texas, can't get much more modest than that.

That's saccharine, that's wholesome, that's fantastic. Then Bollywood decides to hit you over the head and just beat you to death with "sex appeal" even though more often than not they make the actresses look like tranny hookers......hold that thought, I just found a trailer for "Munna Bhai Chale Amreeka" and it looks just as wholesome as "Andaaz Apna Apna" so watch the trailer, disregard what I said, and boycott Shahrukh Khan. Not because his previous work was NSFW (not safe for work) but rather because he's a terrible actor. Enjoy

Also I'd like to point out that the tranny hooker in question is Rakhi Sawant.

Umm...Is That...Uhhh...I'm Pretty Sure I Just Saw....Err...My Eyes....Good God It Burns!

One thing we've figured out in the past month or so is that we wholeheartedly agree with Michael Scott's assessment of Wikipedia. It really is the best thing ever. Face it people compared to Wiki, Googling something is like writing a thesis paper.
Anyway while trolling the wiki of Shah Rukh for a post on his Jordan like effect on the economy of the city of Edison, NJ, we came upon a peculiar title in his filmography. Further research led us to a clip that has pretty much destroyed the foundation of our existence. We thought about posting it here or maybe even linking to it, but deemed it inappropriate because there's a chance our Ammis may read this one day.
You can find it pretty easily online though. Just type "Shahrukh" and the title of the movie that rhymes with "Baya Bemsaab" into youtube and remember to grab a bottle of Detol that you will need to wash the sin out of your eyes with upon viewing of said clip. We're gonna go now and try to remember the innocent times we had with Shahrukh when he merely molested actresses through the quirky antics of his inquisitive nose.

Your Daily IPL Update

Your daily IPL update is supposed to be recapped...err..daily. Except on those nights that we stay up late to watch "Training Day" in Spanish on Telemundo because we figure the censorship standards are tamer in honor of Cinco Di Mayo and get to work too late to work on your blog. Anyway, here's an Andy Samberg inspired IPL Update:

Monday, May 5th:
It's My Duck in a Box
It was a fiesta in Bangalore on Monday night and the main course was duck. Either the Punjab XI Kings are on a low carb diet or they're fiending for some protein as they helped themselves to 5 servings of Bangalore Royal Challenger ducks which must be an IPL record because I'm too lazy to do the research on this. Certain future multiple time BihariShabab BC of the Week, and Punjab bowler Sreesanth had two wickets, gave up 16 runs, and could barely contain his calm in the field as he fantasized about all the possible plot lines of the upcoming Sex and The City Movie.

Tuesday, May 6th:
It's My Deccan a Box
The Deccan Charges of Hyderabad traveled to Chennai to take on the Super Kings and comfortably got in that ass. Adam Gilchrest had 54 runs for the Chargers who won by 7 wickets. With a win Chennai would would have found themselves at the top of the IPL standings but the loss keeps them at 4th. And so it's another week of 3rd tier item Bollywood Item number girl groupie love for Dhoni.

STANDINGS

Teams	Played	Won	Lost	Points	Net Run Rate
	6	5	1	10	+0.746
	7	5	2	10	+0.442
	6	4	2	8	+0.856
	7	4	3	8	-0.005
	6	2	4	4	+0.537
	7	2	5	4	-0.011
	6	2	4	4	-0.982
	7	2	5	4	-1.426

Man vs. Wild

The man in this case is Bear Grylls, former special forces soldier, current Discovery Channel TV star, occasional fraud, and all around badass. The wild in this case is my untamed heart and the man has knocked out the wild (clumsiest sentence ever written). The new season of Man vs. Wild started this weekend and Bear Grylls proved that he's the greatest man alive by diving into the heart of Africa and eating a bunch of foul shit. In this episode he eats the meat off of a recently killed deer and a bunch of other....er...foul shit? hmm....I really thought this post would turn out better, I suppose I can't verbalize why my heart tadaps for Mr Grylls (although his show should really assist me in my travels to the motherland this summer, I'm going into one of the biggest cities in the world with only a production crew and a flint!) and since my words won't suffice behold Bear Grylls in action.

That clip right there shows why Bear Grylls deserves the kickass name that he has. He eats some foul shit, He cleans out a dead camel, then he crawls inside of it. Notice that he still talks as he sits inside of his camel carcass. I don't care if the production crew did put a dead camel in his path he still cut it open cleaned it out and laid down inside of it. Bear Grylls is such an inspiration to me that I've decided to trade in my race car bed for a goat carcass, now I'm a real man.