Getting To Know Barack Obama

With only one day left before you vote for the next president of the United States of America we've decided to do a recap of both candidates and their running mates. This should help all of you who are on the fence decide on who you want running this great country for the next four years (hint: Barack Obama).

Barack Obama is the Democratic Presidential Nominee. He is the junior Senator from Illinois, in the midst of his first term. This is the first time he has run for President and is the first African American nominee of either major party. Unless you have been living under a Barock the last 2 years, you know who Obama is. He is, as the Republican's correctly identified him, the biggest celebrity in the world and undoubtedly the man of the hour. Regardless of which side you vote for tomorrow, one thing is clear, this entire election is about Barack Obama. You are either voting for him or adamantly voting against him. He is the reason why you are showing up to the poll and the reason why there is passion on both sides. So let's get to know Barack Obama. Is he Muslim? A Marxist / Socialist? Lover of all things Abortion? The secret son of Malcolm X? Join us for a special election edition of Getting to Know Barack Obama.

PS - We know its inconsistent of us to use the above picture of Obama when we have used more intimate pictures of the other three candidates, but there are three reasons why we chose it.
1. We are unabashedly in the tank for Obama.
2. You can't mention the phenomenon that is Barack Obama without making note of the crowds that follow him around. It would be like talking about Pamela Anderson and not mentioning her bosom, or Asif Zardari and not using the phrase "mustachioed-bag of douche".
3. It's a pretty freakin sweet picture.

Name: Barack Hussein Obama II.
Wait, his middle name's Hussein? Oh shit, I hope the Republicans don't find out, that would put this whole thing in jeopardy.
Born: August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii...oh no wait, or was it Mombasa Kenya, making him ineligible to be President, as per a law suit that was thrown out last week.
Religion: Protestant Christian...oh no wait, maybe he's Muslim. You see, this is a bit complicated as we will cover.
Family: Obama's father, also named Barack was a Kenyan student studying in Hawaii when he met his Caucasian mother, Ann Dunham. Barack Sr., although born into a Muslim family was never held any religious beliefs and is said to be an atheist. Seriously yaar, he drank alcohol and had premarital relationships with white women, your ammi would never approve. Well we know why your Ammi wouldn't approve, but we'll get to that. Anyway, Barack Jr. moved to Indonesia after his mother got married to an Indonesian fellow named Lolo Soetoro who was also Muslim but also drank. Barack's mother was really into progressive Muslims with an affinity for alcohol. It's a shame she passed away in 1995, she would have gotten along spectacularly well with Salman Khan. They could have made one brawny, attractive, well-spoken Indian kid, who could have been the leader that would bring everlasting peace to the Subcontinent. Although chances are he would've settled for doing item numbers with Malika Sherawat.
Anyway, Obama has a Buddhist half-sister named Maya Soetoro-NG from his mother's marriage to Lolo and roughly 27 half-siblings on his father's side, who spread the Obama seed around the world like it was the antidote to malaria. Obama was mostly raised by his Caucasian maternal grandparents Stanley and Madelyn Dunham(who sadly passed away today) in Hawaii.
He got married to Michelle Robinson, whom he met while interning at a Chicago law firm in the late 80's. Fun fact, their first date was to go watch "Do The Right Thing". Upon leaving the theater they ransacked a white neighborhood and set pictures of white Jesus on fire, while chanting racial epithets. No they didn't do that. They're peace loving, gentle souls and anyone who tells you otherwise is a racist asshole who is threatened by educated, opinionated African Americans. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise, it is what it is. It's not your fault, well it kind of is, but it's probably the way you were raised. So you can thank your racist ignorant douchbag parents. Anyway, the Obama's have two daughters, Malia (born 1998) and Sasha (born 2001) who are totally adorable and about 10 years from being the Black Caroline Kennedys.
Education: Obama went to elementary school in Indonesia until he was 11, leading some to believe he had been educated in Madrassas. And when I say some, I mean Sean Hannity and the functioning idiots that hang off of his balls. He went to high school in Hawaii and started on the state tournament winning basketball team. In his free time he experimented with drugs including marijuana and crack cocaine, which is may be why his favorite show is The Wire. If there's no other reason to vote for him, we should do just because of that. Oh Barack, you had me at "I shot the boy Mike-Mike in his hind parts".
Barack first attended Occidental for two years, but then transferred to Columbia in his junior year and graduated with a degree in 1983 with a degree in Political Science. After that he moved Chicago and became a community organizer for a couple of years. He eventually went to Harvard Law School where he became the BMOC and the first African American president of the Harvard Law Review. Obama was such a star on campus that Blair Underwood, the handsome young star of LA Law and your girlfriend's adulterous dreams, specifically sought him out when he visited the campus. Upon completion of law school, Obama shunned Wall Street firms to return to Chicago to get involved in the local politics.
He Sounds So Nice, Why Would Anyone Not Like Him. Well other than the obvious race thing, Obama does have a history of hanging out with questionable types. And questionable in the way that these are people seasoned politicians know to avoid. He met and served on a board with William Ayers, who was identified as a domestic terrorist and is now a professor at the University of Chicago. He also served on a board with Rashid Khalidi, a vocal critic of Israel, who was also a professor at the University of Chicago and is now a professor at Columbia. Are these controversial figures? Sure they are. But they're not as bad as Fox News would like you to believe they are. Bill Ayers is held in the same negative light as Osama Bin Laden or Spencer from the Hills. But if he was really that bad he wouldn't be a professor at the University of Chicago. Bill Ayers hasn't done nearly as much damaged to the standing of the United States in the world as Dick Cheney and George Bush (both of whom coincidentally endorse McCain). Ok, rant over.
Politics: According to a 2007 National Journal Review rating, Obama was the most liberal of any senator in the United States. You know what that means. If he's elected President with a Democratic congress in power, free abortions for everyone! Also gay marriage will not only be legal but enforced. Every family will have to designate one "gay", or adopt a gay African baby. Prayer will be outlawed, and Jesus will be banned from all school books including the Bible.
So what should we do on Tuesday? You should vote for Obama. Seriously people, don't you think it's time for a change. The argument of this election seems to be the real damage that's been done by the policies of George Bush that John McCain supported with the hypothetical damage that some believe would come of an Obama presidency. Now which path makes more sense, the unproven one or the one that's proven to be wrong?
The selection of their running mates is something that also should be closely considered. It is, after all, their first presidential decision. Joe Biden, as we mentioned earlier today, comes with flaws, he's gaffe-prone, he sometimes says too much, his hair is bewitching. But he is competent and worthy of the position Obama pegged him for. Sarah Palin on the other hand was picked only to titillate and excite the base. Her politics are much further right than even John McCain's. You don't pick a running mate just because you want to win an election, you pick one because they are supposed to help you do your job better.
Also, the fact that the entire world minus Israel (the Palestine Issue), Georgia (McCain supported them against Russia from the get go) and the Philippines (hate basketball) would prefer Obama over McCain is something we should make note of. It's a large, globalized world out there now. America can't just consider itself a superpower and not worry what the rest of the world thinks anymore. The days of swinging our all-mighty giant wang around while the rest of the world bows at it's glory are over. But let's say we still want to use that analogy umm... shouldn't we go with the black guy?
Finally, with the economy in the gutter as it is right now, we can't afford somebody who has openly admitted to being weak on it. Obama has a better handle on the economy and what it would take to get the country out of this mess while McCain supported and championed the deregulation that helped get it into the rut it's in.
For these reasons and because he's a silky smooth black dude, we endorse Barack Obama for president. Sure he's different, an unknown and poses the very real threat of being Malcolm X's bastard son, secretly raised in Hawaii by extremists, biding his time to pounce on the country and turn it into a Marxist homo nation, but we'll go ahead and take our chances.