Getting To Know Sarah Palin

With only one day left before you vote for the next president of the United States of America we've decided to do a recap of both candidates and their running mates. This should help all of you who are on the fence decide on who you want running this great country for the next four years (hint: Barack Obama).

Sarah Palin has been arguably the most controversial figure of this election. She was picked by John McCain to be his running mate in August and since then she's captured the imagination of Americans all over America with her can do spirit and her hockey mom attitude! But what do we really know about our potential vice-president? The following information is brought to you by Wikipedia and for once the Encyclopedia Britannica! but mostly Wiki since the Encyclopedia is pretty lacking in information, no wonder Wiki has replaced you Britannica.

Name: Sarah Louise Heath Palin
Hey Sarah Heath Palin sounds like a woman! That's because she is and a competent one at that (a competent woman! chortles). She is the first female governor of Alaska and the first female to run on the Republican Party's National Ticket.
Born: February 11, 1964 in Sandpoint, Idaho. her family moved to Alaska before she was one.
Religion: She was born a Catholic then went to a Pentecostal Church, but since 2002 she has belonged to an independent congregation and considers herself a "Bible-believing Christian" she's also been described as deeply religious by her campaign spokesperson.
Education: In highschool Palin was the starting point guard for the highschool basketball team in Wasilla when they won the state champion. She also led her school's chapter of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Palin attended four colleges before graduating with a degree in communications/journalism from the University of Idaho in 1987, including Hawaii Pacific University for a semester and Matanuska-Susitna Community College in 1984 after finishing third in the Miss Alaska Pageant. That may reflect poorly on her until you think back to 1945 when Harry Truman was elected president even though he never even went to college and hey, a degree's a degree.
Family: Palin eloped with her "child-hood sweetheart" Todd in 1988 not because she was pregnant but because she didn't think her parents could afford a big wedding. In 1989 Palin gave birth to her first son, Track. I can guarantee you that if she gave birth to a set of twin boys their names would've been Track and Field, God she's a hill-billie, also Track enlisted in the Army and is currently serving in Iraq for 12 months. Anyways, in 1990 she gave birth to her first and most embarrassing daughter, Bristol, who is notable for being five months pregnant when her mother was picked to be McCain's running mate. Palin gave birth to two more daughters; Willow, who I was sort of into until I just now learned that she was born in 1995....wow I feel terrible about that, and Piper, who I do not find attractive at all, was born in 2001. She has one more son, Trig who was born in 2008 and was prenatally diagnosed with downs syndrome. No joke there, moving on.
Politics: Sarah Palin was chosen by McCain to appeal to the blue collar, hard working, America loving, good, honest people in the rural parts of this country. She's supposed to appeal to the everyman and inject some vitality in the Republican campaign. She proved to be an effectual mayor when she was mayor of Wasilla and improved the town's infrastructure and increased the operating budget. Which is nice until you realize Wasilla is a town of 10,000 people which probably means that infrastructure is an extra stop sign on main street. Sarah Palin is pro-life and that's pretty much it. She also has extensive foreign policy experience because she governed Alaska which is as foreign to most Americans as Nicaragua.
So what should we do on Tuesday? First of all I'm glad you asked and I'm glad you recognize me as the political pundit that I am. I can't force you to vote either way, I'm pretty sure that's illegal, but Sarah Palin is woefully in over her head. She's a competant woman who loves Alaska and she's a good Governer and would probably be a good Senator too but she cannot address the needs of the United States of America because she's a hill-billie. Also, what people are ignoring is that she's from Alaska. How many of us go moose hunting and play pond hockey? I know Alaska is technically a state but that's just because it has oil. In reality Alaska and Hawaii are territories just like Puerto Rico except more valuable and with less Reggaeton (Daddy Yankee supports the Republican ticket, if that influences your vote one way or the other. By the way, his hit song "Gasolina" is about a woman's love for his sperm, rock the vote!). The only reason you should vote for a ticket with Sarah Palin is if you would love to see another Zardari-Palin meeting or if you're a racist.