Getting To Know Joe Biden

With only one day left before you vote for the next president of the United States of America we've decided to do a recap of both candidates and their running mates. This should help all of you who are on the fence decide on who you want running this great country for the next four years (hint: Barack Obama).

Joe Biden is the senior Senator from the credit rich state of Delaware(aka Da First State Bitchezz) and on the VP candidate on the Democratic ticket. He has been in senate for 34 years and is one of it's most influential members thanks to his seat on the Judiciary Committee and Foreign Relations Committee. And yet his greatest characteristic may be his ability to connect with the common man, even if he tends to stick his foot in it from time to time. Who is Joe Biden? What does he stand for? What kind of experience does he have? What the eff is that thing on his head? Come let's find out in this special election edition of Getting To Know Joe Biden.

Name: Joseph Robinnette "Bosley Medical" Biden Jr.
Hey Joe Biden sounds like a dirty Mick! First of all shame on you, you racist boob. Secondly, Joe's family is Irish but that doesn't mean he's a drunk anymore than you being a computer nerd because you're Desi. I think I managed to offend two sets of people there. Mission accomplished.
Born: November 20, 1942 in Scranton, PA. So you know, 9 months prior to Joe being born Mr. and Mrs. Biden enacted their own 1942: A Love Story. Pow-Chika-Pow Wow.
Religion: Roman Catholic but he looooves aborting babies, putting him in hot water with his own chruch.
Education: Joe's family moved from Scranton to Claymont, Delaware when he was 11 so his father could find work. In highschool, he was a star halfback/wide receiver in the mold of college-era Reggie Bush leading them to an undefeated season in his senior year. He was not an academic standout but was a leader and participated in an anti-segregation sit-in, a sign of things to come as his career has been defined by how closely he's worked with African Americans. Joe attended the University of Delaware, graduating in 1965 with a double major in History and Political Science. He followed that up with a JD from Syracuse University College of Law in 1968 and entered the Delaware Bar in 1969.
Family: Biden met his first wife, Neilia Hunter while on spring break in 1964. It was because of her that he decided to go to Syracuse for law school as her family was based out of the the cold, barren, devoid of a soul waste dump that is upstate New York. They married in 1966 while Joe was in law school and had three children: Joe (1969), Robert (1970) and Naomi (1971).
When Joe claimed his surprising bid for the Senate in 1972, the Bidens were the picture of an ideal All-American family. At the age of 29, he was the fifth youngest senator in the history of the senate with a bright future ahead of him. But a couple of weeks after the election, Neilia and Naomi were killed in an accident that left Joe III and Robert in critical condition. Joe seriously considered resigning from his seat, but was eventually persuaded to stay in the senate. To make sure that he was there for his ailing sons, Joe traveled by train every day from Delaware to DC, which is something he does to this day. I would go on, but my bitch tears are about to set my keyboard on fire.
Eventually Joe met and married Jill Jacobs, a school teacher, in 1977. Jill and Joe have a daughter Ashley(1981), who is pretty foxy but not as foxy as her mom. Grrr Cougar.
Politics & Experience: Joe was elected to the Senate in 1972 at the tender age of 29 (30 when he was sworn in), and has kept his seat without much competition. He has won 5 additional terms and is the longest tenured Senator in the history of Delaware. He sits on the Senate Judiciary Committee and the Foreign Relations Committee, which is a big reason Barack Obama picked him to be his running mate. Biden is as qualified as any Senator in terms of foreign relations experience and is an ardent supporter of Israel, proclaiming himself a Zionist. So to all those old Jews in Florida worried about Obama's stance on Israel, how do you like them Mozza Balls? He is pretty liberal and has received high marks from the crime, education, environment, health, and homeland security lobbies. He has received an F from the Gun lobby even though he's the owner of a shotgun, which he threatened to shoot Barack Obama with if Obama came after it. Awesome. Biden is also supportive of guest-worker visas and wanted to provide Social Security to illegal immigrants as he believes in the path to citizenship. He is against Internet piracy and file sharing though, so that means he's for transporting Chinese illegals in shipping containers as long as they don't have a pirated version of High School Musical 3 on them. If the Republicans really wanted to connect with the average male American, they should have run on a "Biden wants to take away your Porn" platform. They would be up 69 points in the polls...HEYOOO!
Biden has run for President twice, in 1988 and 2008. His campaign in 1987 got off to a strong start, raising the most money out of the three major candidates (Biden, Michael Dukakis, and Dick Gephart), but enthusiasm quickly dissipated as the campaign failed to find it's identity. The entire thing came to a crashing halt when Joe was accused of plagiarizing a speech by British politician Neil Kennock. Joe had correctly cited a speech by Kennock as part of his stump speech until he forgot to do it once. Charges of plagiarism from as far back as Law school were revealed(incorrect citations on a paper) and that was that. Meanwhile, Sean Combs hasn't created an original piece of music in the last 15 years and his punishment was having an extended relationship with Jenifer Lopez and approximately 187 models, singers and actresses. Maybe if Biden just played Kennock's speech and freestyled over it with random "Yeah Yeahs", "Yo Baby"s and "Ha..haaa..that's right"s, he would've not only been President but also won 4 Grammys and gotten to sleep with Cassie.
Biden's bid in 08 was, well we all know what happened there.
Health: Biden almost died from an Aneurysm in 1988 that had begun leaking, but since then has enjoyed a fairly clean bill of health. Some have raised an eyebrow over the fact that Joe doesn't seem to be able to raise his eyebrows anymore, but the campaign denies the use of Botox. Also, it seems he has magically regrown hair, his own hair, that feels completely natural, and not ridiculous like a wig. Joe can now go swimming and date younger women as per the pictures that come in the brochure.
So what should we do on Tuesday? Well considering you don't actually get to vote for a Vice President, the measuring stick for an VP candidate is if they take something away from the top of the ticket. Joe Biden, for all his gaffes and questionable elective surgeries, brings way more to the table than he takes away. Supremely competent and with the experience that a young President would need while they get their bearings in the Whitehouse, Biden is exactly who Obama needed on his ticket(Sorry Hillary supporters). Throughout his career he has been vocal for what he believes in and hasn't shied away from making people uncomfortable. When it comes to VPs, we could do a lot worse. So go out there and vote for Joe Biden. He's loud, he's proud and he's got a somewhat full head of hair.