With only one day left before you vote for the next president of the United States of America we've decided to do a recap of both candidates and their running mates. This should help all of you who are on the fence decide on who you want running this great country for the next four years (hint: Barack Obama).
John McCain is the Republican Presidential Nominee. He's been a fixture in politics for decades and served his country in the Vietnam war. He's in his second presidential race, losing eight years ago to George Bush in the primaries. So what does he have to offer us? What will he do once elected? Can he lift his arms above his shoulders? Does he have a Bangladeshi daughter? All your questions will be answered as we get to know John McCain. All of this information is thanks to a source inside the Republican Party, the guy who edited McCain's Wikipedia page....We really should find some new sources.
Name: John Sidney McCain III
Born: August 29, 1936 making him a sprightly 72 years old.
Religion: McCain isn't a very religious man and tends to keep his faith separate from his political beliefs, which may be why he chose Palin to be his running mate.
Education: McCain's father was a four-star Admiral which meant that his family was always moving, therefore he went to 20 schools before his family settled in Northern Virginia and he went to Episcopal High School which was a private boarding school where he graduated from in 1954. He decided to follow in the footsteps of his father and grandfather and go to the Naval Academy in Annapolis. The Wikipedia entry on his time in the Naval Academy is full of excuses. Apparently he was a natural leader and stood up against bullies. He was a rebel and sometimes clashed with high ranking officials which led to his low class ranking of (894/899) "despite his high IQ." He did well in literature and history but struggled with math. Does the fact that he's bad at math make him ill-prepared to lead the U.S. out of this economic crisis? Probably not, but we'll say it does.
Family: McCain has been married twice, first to Carol Shepp in 1965, he adopted her children and they had a daughter together in 1965. When he came back from war (more on that later) he was physically handicapped and so was Carol from a car accident. They also grew apart and when McCain was teaching a flight squadron in Florida in 1976 he started to have affairs and ultimately in 1980 he divorced Carol to marry his second wife Cindy. John and Cindy had their first child, Meghan, together in 1984, then in 1986 their first son, John IV or Jack as he's known, was born, then in 1988 they had another son, and in 1991 Cindy and John adopted a girl from one of Mother Theresa's orphanages and named her Bridgett. Which makes her the only Bengali girl in the world named Bridgett. McCain's sons are also in the military. How come Obama doesn't have a kid in the military? He hates his country.
He seems kind of like your average politician to me. That's because you don't know about his time at war. While McCain was a pretty sub par student because he apparently didn't apply himself he was a pretty good soldier. I mean, at first he wasn't a good soldier because he kept crashing his planes, but after a little while he got the hang of it and went on 23 bombing missions over Vietnam which is 23 more than Obama or Biden combined. He would've gone on 24 but his plane was hit by a missile and he broke both arms and a leg as he crashed into a lake behind enemy lines. Luckily he was pulled ashore before he drowned by North Vietnamese soldiers who then broke his shoulders (so no, he can't lift his arms above his shoulders) with their rifle butts and stabbed him with their bayonets because hey why not. He was taken to the "Hanoi Hilton" which was Hanoi's POW camp for Americans where he was beaten and interrogated. After the Vietnamese found out that his father was an admiral they allowed McCain to receive medical attention and sent him to a hospital where he stayed for 6 weeks in a body cast. After his stay in the hospital he was transferred to another prison where he was put in solitary confinement for two years. When his father was promoted to commander of all forces in Vietnam the North Vietnamese offered to release him but he refused the offer since they wouldn't release those Americans captured before him. After he refused McCain was subject to torture for a year, during which he caved and gave the Vietnamese some propaganda material (what a girl...). In 1972 McCain was returned home and after leaving the Navy in 1981 McCain started his political career and was elected to Congress out of Arizona. Also in 1998 he delivered perhaps the greatest political joke in the history of the United States with this gem; "Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly? — Because Janet Reno is her father." Brilliant.
So what should we do on Tuesday? Again, I'm glad you asked and you came to the right place to find out. There's no doubt that John McCain is an experienced politician and that he has even crossed party lines to push for something he believes in. Plus he was in a POW camp and stayed there even after given the option to leave so he's more man than either of us will ever be. However, I think it goes without saying that the worst president in American history was Ronald Reagan and McCain was a big supporter of Reaganomics and Reagan's foreign policy which included supporting some dictatorial regimes to take down other dictatorial regimes. Also if Chuck D is to be believed Ronald Reagan flooded the inner cities with crack cocaine. McCain is also a very short tempered person and there's been concern that he'll flip out and drop bombs on some poor country whose ambassador annoyed John McCain. Maybe if Bridgett bothers him he'll drop bombs on Bangladesh, I think that's a very real risk at this point. McCain has done some great work in the senate and I doubt he'll be as bad as Reagan was but his strategy on Iraq is very similar to that of Bush's and we all know how that's turning out. This would be a tougher decision had McCain not included Palin on his ticket. I like McCain though, I think he has integrity and he does what he believes is right which does separate him from the majority of politicians in Washington. However, when it comes down to the issues we pretty much know that McCain is going to give us more of what we've already had with Bush. He'll make things better, but by how much? Plus when you add the fact that you'd be voting for Palin as well does that really make you feel better about another four years of a Republican White House? No, I'd urge you on Tuesday to go out there and vote for Obama. Having Palin a heartbeat away from the presidency is much too risky. However, he does like immigrants so your cousin who's been here on a student visa since 1996 would have a chance at being a citizen.
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