Hey Let's Try This Again!

Hello friends.  We're gonna try doing this again.  Let's see how it goes!

Getting to Know: Nawaz Sharif

Someone's been using Rogaine!

With less than a week left before Pakistanis vote for their next government I've decided to do some research on the important candidates and parties in the election. This should help all of us try to come to a conclusion on who we think is the worst (hint: Nawaz Sharif...no Bilawal Bhutto...no....everybody?)

Nawaz Sharif is, according to most opinion polls, the front runner for the position of Prime Minister of Pakistan, a post he's held previously. Numerous times. But what do we really know about Pakistan's once and future Prime Minister? The following information is brought to you by Wikipedia and some other sources

Name: Mian Muhammad Nawaz Sharif
Born: December 25, 1949 (OOOH A CHRISTMAS BABY!) in Lahore, Pakistan. He is Punjab de sher or something along those lines, I don't speak Punjabi.
Religion: Nawaz Sharif is a Muslim, as are all the major candidates in the election. He is a conservative Muslim and during his time in office he enacted the Shariat Bill which established the Quran as the supreme law in Pakistan. Unfortunately he refused to repeal any discriminatory laws against women and minorities and also tightened up censorship all in the name of Islam. No wonder the Taliban has taken him off their list of targets. By the way, the fact that the Taliban has taken him off their no-kill list is worrying. If the Taliban is all "this guy is A-OK!" then maybe he's not A-OK?
Education: Sharif went to St. Anthony's High School in Lahore which is a private school that has produced several notable alumni including Rameez Raja. I imagine it's similar to the school the bad guys from Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikander went to. Not Model College but the other one. For college he went to Government College and graduated with a degree in Art and Business. I bet he's a lovely singer, he looks like he could sing some Qawali. Finally, he got a law degree from the University of Punjab but he slept on the day they explained corruption was illegal which led to some confusion on his part.
Family: Nawaz Sharif comes from an impressive business family. His father started Ittefaq Group which became one of the largest steel companies in the country. His family's wealth is valued at $1.2 billion, making them the fourth most wealthy family in Pakistan. His brother, Shahbaz Sharif, is an accomplished politician in his own right, serving as Chief Minister of Punjab several times. His wife, Kulsoom Nawaz Sharif, is the granddaughter of The Great Gama who was "the greatest Pehlvani wrestler of all time" having never lost a match in fifty years. His daughter, Maryum, is the only one of his three children who is active in politics, playing a leadership role in his party.
Political Origin Story: In the 1970's Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto and his Pakistan People Party led government enacted a policy of nationalization. The government nationalized the airline, they nationalized the energy industry, they also nationalized the steel industry including the Ittefaq Group's steel holdings. Essentially having his family business stolen by the PPP led government, Sharif joined the Pakistan Muslim League to try to get his steel company back. Before he could though, Zia-ul-Haq hanged Bhutto. Sharif ended up supporting Zia's government and he was given back the steel mills the government had seized all while rising through the ranks of the Punjab provincial government. Apparently Sharif is still a little salty about that whole government seizing his steel mills business and he never forgave the Bhutto family. At least that's what Wikipedia tells me, although he has joined the PPP in coalition governments before so it's probably not true.
Political Career: Sharif was Chief Minister of Punjab in the late 80s, leader of the opposition against Benazir's government in the mid 90's, Prime Minister of Pakistan from 1990 to 1993 and then again from 1997 to 1999. As Chief Minister of Punjab, Sharif was responsible for modernizing the economy of Punjab and turning Punjab into the wealthiest province in Pakistan. As Prime Minister of Pakistan, Sharif was responsible for modernizing the economy of Punjab and turning Punjab into the wealthiest province in Pakistan. The latter accomplishment led to violent clashes with MQM and PPP workers in Karachi due to accusations that Sharif neglected Sindh. Apparently he's still hated by the MQM and there are accusations that he was behind some disappearances of party workers. The clashes in Karachi were so bad that the President at the time fired Sharif and appointed an interim Prime Minister. I don't know how or why the President is able to do this but the more I read about it the more I realize that the Constitution of Pakistan is just a jumbled incoherent mess. I was under the impression that the Presidency was a figurehead position except for the times where the President says it's not? I think I'm having an aneurysm trying to figure this out. Regardless, to diffuse the situation the Army stepped in and convinced both Sharif and the President at the time to resign from their posts. After he resigned, Benazir came back (she was Prime Minister before he was) then when she was forced out for corruption (again) Sharif came back and won elections in a landslide fashion. He immediately enacted the 14th amendment to the constitution which is so stupid it confuses me. The fourteenth amendment gave party leaders the power to dismiss any legislator within their party who voted against party lines even though they were democratically elected. Sharif's PML controlled the majority of the Parliament so he could get rid of almost anyone he wanted if they voted against him. This was a horrible idea because that is the opposite of what a democracy is supposed to be. Anyways! Sharif went on and conducted nuclear bomb tests the day after India tested their's and he was popular again because when it comes to politicians Pakistanis have collective amnesia. Sharif's government then declared a state of emergency because the economy bottomed out. There's nothing entertaining about that tidbit except for the Wikipedia section that says Nawaz Sharif had to suspend the Space Program due to the economy (getting a little ahead of ourselves aren't we Nawaz?). Sharif also had issues with the judiciary because the judges in Pakistan do as bad a job as the constitution does of upholding law and order at the highest levels of government. Essentially the judiciary struck down the ridiculous fourteenth amendment and gave power to the President to dismiss Sharif (they also held Sharif in contempt which is just something that happens to Prime Ministers in Pakistan I guess) and when the President ordered the military to remove Sharif from his post the military instead backed Sharif and the judge and president were both fired because life's funny like that sometimes. At some point during Sharif's second tenure Pakistan and India fought the Kargil war and due to reasons I don't feel like looking up Sharif and his generals beefed. Sharif decided to fire General Pervez Musharraf during a time where the economy was tanking, Pakistan had just lost a war to India, corruption was rampant, and law had deteriorated all around the country. Musharraf wasn't having it and he decided to overthrow Sharif and send him into exile in Saudi Arabia. Sharif came back about 10 years later in 2007 and now Pakistan is looking at repeating it's old mistakes. That was a long section. He's been very active throughout his life.
So what should Pakistanis do on Saturday? DON'T VOTE FOR NAWAZ SHARIF! At least not for Prime Minister. He seems like a lovely Chief Minister but man, you already saw what he's done. Why do Pakistani politicians get multiple chances to lead the country? Ugh, this election is dumb. So is the constitution and the judiciary. Also the parliament. They all are stupid. Don't vote for Nawaz because he already got a chance, it's not fair to the rest of the candidates. Everyone deserves a turn.

Pakistan Election Primer

The Pakistani General Elections are set to occur at the end of this week and in an effort to educate myself on some of the background and people involved in this election I've decided to write up a few posts about the election because...Knowledge is power? I don't know why exactly but this is what I'm going to do. As always my information comes primarily from the Internet, mostly Wikipedia, also BBC and Al-Jazeera with the occasional Pakistani news source.

Mr. Ten Percent is the real nickname of Pakistan's president. He is so corrupt people gave him a nickname about it. He's the president. 

The Pakistani General Election is supposed to happen on May 11th provided it isn't disrupted by a coup or a terrorist attack or something equally plausible. If the election is allowed to continue uninterrupted then this will be the very first time in Pakistan's 66 year history that a democratically elected government will be able to finish its entire term. Usually the military steps in but they've been able to restrain themselves these past five years although I don't know how, it has been a horrible five years. Which brings me to my next point. It has been a horrible five years. 

Pakistan has been facing serious issues for a few decades now but it seems like everything has only gotten worse the past five years. Some major issues are, as always, corruption and crime. There's also provincial strife, particularly in Balochistan and the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa. (Which for my money is the ugliest name in the word. The "kh" sound just reminds me of poop. Just horrible, should have stuck with North-West-Frontier-Province. Or like Nebraska or something. Just...ugh, can we vote on changing that name?) Other issues are the economy (obviously), terrorism, and load shedding/power shortages. Unfortunately minority rights, women's rights, actually just all human rights across the board do not seem to be major issues in this election. 

The election, by the way, is for the National Assembly, lower house of Parliament (I have no idea what they're responsible for), and the provincial assemblies. The Prime Minister is the chief executive of the country and is responsible for creating a cabinet and making executive decisions. He or She is elected by the National Assembly and generally the head of the party with the most National Assembly seats is elected Prime Minister. As an aside, the previous Prime Minister, Raja Pervez Ashraf was known as "Rental Raja" for being known to take bribes during his time as the head of the wildly inefficient Power Ministry. So to recap, both the Prime Minister AND the President were widely known to be corrupt and were even given cute nicknames in reference to that corruption before they were elected to the highest offices in the land. I'm so glad I live in the United States. Anyways, the election is being contested by just about every party and crooked bastard in the country but the major players are Pakistan People Party, Pakistan Muslim League (Nawaz), Muttahida Qaumi Movement, Awami National Party, Muttahida Majlis-e-Amal, Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf, Jamaat-e-Islami. They are all horrible horrible choices. God help Pakistan. 

All of these parties are fighting for the votes of 86 million registered voters. Punjab has the most registered voters of all the provinces at 48 million, more than twice the number of voters in Sindh which has the second most voters. Karachi has (unsurprisingly) the most registered voters of all the cities at 7 million voters. That is more than the entire province of Balochistan has which explains why they get shafted year after year by the federal government. The United States Agency for International Development (USAID) and the International Foundation for Electoral Systems activities in Asia (IDIFESAA) helped the Election Commission of Pakistan create a computerized voter database which removed 35 million bogus voters from the previous database. THIRTY FIVE MILLION FAKE VOTERS! So hopefully this election will at least be fair. 

On Saturday millions of Pakistanis will participate in the election of the 14th parliament of Pakistan. They will go to polling offices with probably equal amounts of hope and cynicism as they decide whose hands they should put their futures in. The government has taken steps to ensure a freer and fairer election than Pakistan has had in the past but doubts still exist and with many of the usual suspects campaigning all along the country so do fears that nothing will change for Pakistan. At the very least though, we can at last say goodbye to Asif Ali Zardari. God I hate that asshole. 

Fat Tuesdays: Nihari

Nihari, like all desi foods, does not photograph well

Welcome to Fat Tuesdays everybody! This is where, every(ish) Tuesday, I will write about a food I either love (Nihari) or loathe (Paya).

Nihari is a spicy thick beef stew usually paired with naan. It is delicious and wonderful and I love it. According to nihari's insightful wikipedia page it was developed in the late 1800s when the Nawab of  Delhi would eat it for breakfast and then slip into a food coma until the afternoon. Later, after partition, Muslim cooks from Delhi migrated to Karachi and soon Nihari became "the national dish of Pakistan" because it's awesome.

Nihari is a complicated dish, it takes 6 hours to make (I think, I've never made it before so what do I know?) and can be served a variety of ways. Once when I was in Karachi my cousin asked me if I wanted to go get Nihari. Obviously I said yes and we went to a restaurant that was so popular that people would wait behind your chair while you ate so they could get a seat when you left. Once there, my cousin asked if I wanted "maghaz ki nihari" I didn't know what that was but he assured me that it would make the nihari thicker and spicier and everyone knows I likes mah nihari like I likes mah ladiez so that's what we did, we got maghaz ki nihari. A few minutes later we got a plate of wonderful smelling nihari and I was beside myself with joy. Then a 7 year old scooped a fully formed goat brain out of a metal pail he was carrying and dumped it onto this plate of pristine nihari. That's when I learned that "maghaz" is the urdu word for brain.

In addition to brains, which is apparently a thing people have with nihari, you usually are provided with a selection of condiments including; fresh cut ginger, sliced green peppers, chaat masala, fresh cilantro, and fresh cut lime. My life changed the day I decided to put some chaat masala in the nihari. I still remember I was probably around 8 or 9 and we were having lunch at Farzana Chachi's house and I hated nihari but then, through a stroke of genius, I decided to throw some chaat masala in there and to this day I take off of work on November 17th and celebrate national chaat masala appreciation day. Personally, I like my nihari simple. I usually only take two small pieces of meat and fill the plate (no bowl) with the salan (gravy). Then I sprinkle out a little chaat masala and that's pretty much it at that point. Lately I've been throwing some pieces of green peppers in there and maybe topping off with the cilantro but in all honesty it's just superfluous. Nobody's ever missed having cilantro with their nihari. The lime juice, that's a trap. Don't use lime juice, trust me. Everyone squeezes out half a lime into their nihari but that's just due to subliminal messages from Big Lime. Be a nihari purist and savor the natural flavors of the nihari.

There are pitfalls when it comes to eating nihari. First, there's that whole maghaz thing, which in all honesty was not that bad and you probably won't ever come across someone serving maghaz ki nihari. What you will come across though is paya. I hate paya with the ferocity of a thousand splendid suns. You will go to a dinner and the hosts will put out nihari on the table and build up your spirits to unknown heights only to crush them when you realize that instead of a thick luscious gravy with tender melt in your mouth pieces of meat, you're actually spooning water and bones into your plate. The mood swing that you will experience is so immense and rapid that you will be convinced you're bi-polar. It's a goddamn crime against humanity and I won't stand for it anymore! I HATE PAYA. If someone says that they're serving you nihari but all you get instead is a plate of water and cow hooves that is so bland that it somehow sucks happiness from your soul, you are eating paya and it is your right to throw that plate right back into their face and burn down their house. Then you can come over to my house and I'll make sure you get a good, real, plate of nihari and you'll live happily ever after with heart disease.

Even with the whole paya situation nihari is still the greatest food on the planet. It's kind of like a high risk high reward thing. On the one hand you might end up with paya and explode into a ball of rage kind of like I did in that paragraph up there. But, if you end up with nihari....man...I need to get some nihari.

Aww, Fank You!

Adele is the most adorable person on the planet heavyweight division and her acceptance speeches are the highlight of any award show. For that, I fank her. 

SRK is on the terrorist watch list

Inexplicable global icon, Shah Rukh Khan is in the news again for the racist treatment he receives from aviation athorities in the western world. If you recall, last year SRK was detained for two hours, TWO HOURS! at Newark Liberty Airport. If you don't recall, I'll let Jon Stewart and Asif Mandvii refresh your memory.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Shah Rukh Khan Detained at Newark
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

I, like any other Desi, was outraged! SRK!?! he's a national hero! Sure the US denied he was detained but that was George Bush's America things were different then. However, I'm beginning to get a little suspicious now that his full body scan was allegedly printed and posted on the internet. The reason I'm a little incredulous is his movie is being released in a week and once again the airport denies it.

So in summation, SRK is a liar and a cheat and he can't play basketball. Also he's got nothing to hide, we, at BihariShabab, already saw his "goods" and now can't look him in the eye, thanks a lot youtube.

Wait, I'm not done. Not gonna lie, but when I hear about racial profiling at the borders or at airports I kind of feel left out. I mean, I'm a Muslim, brown, young, strikingly handsome, and I have a beard but nothing. Not even a "sir can you step out of line please". I'm not asking for a cavity search just a little bit of a delay so I can build up some outrage. When is it going to be my turn!?!

Aaaand We are Back...

Hello there friends. How's it going? Aur sunaao, Mummy / Papa subh teek taak? So Fahad and I decided the one thing missing from our lives was blogging for copious amounts of hours during the day just so we would have no readers. We lead a pretty irrelevant life as it is, but miss being irrelevant on a level that can be proven by numbers (pageviews / comments).

Luckily for us, the most important thing to ever happen to the sport of cricket took place last week, so we have something to talk about.

Shahid Afridi bit into a cricket ball.

Now we're not exactly Cricket aficionados here at Bihari Shabab but apparently this is a huge disgrace of some sort. My brother was up in arms in about this all week. But since he's not here, we're going to substitute this gentleman,whose reaction I found on Youtube, for him. He accurately captures the disgust and disappointment but doesn't go off into a murderous rage. Not to mention he has, Ma'Shallah, one of the top 3 most glorious beards on the web and deep, soulfully, kind eyes. I implore you to watch the entire thing, because the ending is fantastic.

Wasn't that great? So that's the most important news story in the world right now. Afridi bit into a ball and brought shame upon all of Pakistan. Or not, I don't know, back off me.

As you can tell we're trying to learn how to ride this bike again or some other fitting metaphor here. We appreciate you bearing with us as we figure out which way to go. I can promise that we will post more frequently so please do come back every 6 months or so and do not be afraid to comment. A shout out to Afza Joher for convincing me to get off my ass.

Thankyouverymuch.

I'm Never Buying Another Pair Of Jordans Again....Unless They Look Really Really Good

The above video is of underrated rapper, Chamillionaire, telling a story of an unpleasant encounter he had with Michael Jordan. I have a cousin who knew this one lady who's kid loved Michael so she drove all the way out to Chicago from DC for a picture and an autograph. She stopped by his restaurant and saw him there and he punched her in the face and stole her purse. True story...Well maybe not, I'm a little hazy on the details, but she was treated poorly by His Airness. It's strange because most athletes become more revered after they retire, you tend to forget all the terrible things they did (unless you're talking about Rae Carruth, although he was pretty good that one year....) but Jordan is just getting eviscerated by the media which is stunning because he was one of the most beloved athletes ever only a decade ago. I'm predicting that Jordan gets into some serious gambling debt and due to his huge alimony payments to Juanita he does something crazy and is the next O.J. Simpson. When it happens, remember that I called it.

Raj Rajaratnam's Gonna Get-a Hurt Real Bad!

That's such a sweet picture, if that was me it'd be my new facebook photo.

This is to spite you Raheel.....

Raj Rajaratnam is a portfolio manager for the Galleon Group, one of the largest hedge funds in the country, as well as one of the richest men in America. He's also accused of insider trading.

Rajaratnam is accused with 7 others of generating $25 million in profit by using insider information to trade securities in several companies including Google. This is illegal. His bail is set at $100 million which seems excessive until you realize that he's the 599th richest person in America according to Forbes with an estimated net worth of $1.3 billion. To put this into perspective for you; 1.3 billion American Dollars is equivalent to 23,140,208,000,000 Vietnamese Dongs. You don't need me to tell you that that's a lot of Dongs. Not only is Rajaratnam accused of insider trading but he's also under investigation for bankrolling the Tamil Tigers, the notorious Sri Lankan softball team, through a fake charity organization.

Adding a bit of international flavor to these affairs is U.S. attorney Preet Bharara who called Rajaratnam a race traitor and said, "greed is not good, this case should be a wake up call for Wall Street." Just some words to live by from Bharararararararara-ji.

As an aside...I can't quit you Biharishabab!

The Jabawockeez Are Better

Here is the video of Diversity's final performance. If you don't know and just about 10 minutes ago I didn't, Diversity is the dance crew that won Britain's Got Talent, beating out Susan Boyle who sang that song and it was all great and everyone cried and blah blah blah talent shows suck. If it's talent you're looking for I think the only place to find it is on Star Search, what other talent show gave us Justin Randall Timberlake? He may have lost on Star Search, but he won the heart of girls...around the world! Anyways, Diversity was pretty average, you know, for a superstar dance crew. Give me Jabawockeez any day. Hell, I'll even take Shaqawockeez.

Needs More Vocoder

Yo Son, It'S dJ kIlLaFaM gIvInG yOu ThE nEwEsT hItS aNd RiGhT nOw I gOt FoR yA'lL aN EXCLUSIVE 'sclusive 'sclusive 'sclusive 'sclusive fRoM mY bOyS tHe YoUnG CoNs RePpIn' JeSuS ChRiSt aNd RePuBlIcAn DuDeS...ShOuT oUt To ThE sTrEeTs It'S tHe YoUnG CoNs, Ya'heARd?

What if that's how I really was? The above video as you may have deciphered is of a douchetastic new hip-hop group; The Young Cons. Don't be fooled, the con is short for conservative, they are guilty of no crime but I'm guessing you can attribute at least 3 date rapes to these two fellows but I suppose that's less of a crime and more of a conflict of interest. My favorite part is the subliminal message at 45 seconds (mainly because I didn't want to watch the entire thing a second time) who wouldn't want to support life if it wears a santa hat!?!

Props to Ainy for the link, Respec!

Child Abuse At Its Most Adorable

On the one hand this video is hilarious to me because, I mean just watch it...it's a grown man beating two toddlers up...wait, that's why it's horrific to me...I guess it's hilarious because of the sound effects? I don't know why it's hilarious but the kid in the middle needs to hit the gym or something because he got his ass handed to him at the 20 second mark. Also please stick around for the head trauma that occurs at the 35 second mark. You know what watch all of it and let me know if I'm supposed to be outraged because I don't even know how to feel about this.

Ajay Bhatt is a Big Deal

This is a great intel commercial I always see on ESPN when I'm watching Sportscenter. It stars Ajay Bhatt who invented USB which is pretty impressive. The dean of the Computer Engineering department at my school was one of the inventors of Java (the programming language not the country/coffee) and the Indian students are all dying to blow him. He's like their LeBron.

Baby Just Say...Yes.

"This is Love story plus Viva La Vida with piano cello and percussion. I enjoy it because I'm a giant faggot who legitimately enjoys Taylor Swift's music & you know I'm serious because she's not even hot." - Fahad Masood.

The NBA, It's Faaaaaantaaaaastic

I love the NBA commercials, I especially like this one from the Cavaliers because I'm easily impressed, however I think I found my new favorite NBA commercial. It stars Jeff Foster of the Indiana Pacers and it's phenomenal.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

The most dangerous man in the world

Hector Reynosa, defender for the Mexican soccer league's Chivas Chupacabras was suspended indefinitely for an "inappropriate celebration" which involved him pretending to cough and spit in his Argentinian opponent's face, a reference to the swine flu pandemic for which Mexico City (more like Mexico Shitty!!!) is ground zero. I want to take this moment to applaud Senor Reynosa for his wit and creativity but could you imagine if a Mexican spit and coughed on you?!?! I mean even before this H1N1 visa business it would've been a little disconcerting but afterwards it's downright terrifying. I'm pretty sure being trapped in a room with a Mexican with the sniffles is something that belongs in the Saw series.

CNN Sheds Light on Pakistan's Red Light District / Claims the Lives of A Thousand Innocent Erections

CNN.com did a piece on Pakistan's Heera Mundi recently that focuses on Artist Iqbal Hussain, whose paintings featured sex workers.  It is a fascinating, short piece that you should read but won't so I am embedding the video here.  Hussain's point of view is an interesting one as he grew up in the shadows of the Heera Mandi (his mother was a prostitute who died last month at 98, so I guess she showed chlamydia what's what).  

It does however ruin any Madhuri in Devdas fantasies you pervs may have had.  It seems it's not all item numbers in designer corsets but more like venereal diseases and lots of empty meaningless interactions.  I think Saroj Khan and Sanjay Leela Bansali owe us all an apology as well as a refund for the one way ticket to Lahore in the middle of peak season one may or may not have purchased after watching the Ishq Kameena video on youtube last week.  Uncle Amresh Puri sat through approximately 1700 Mujrah scenes in his career but never did we hear the phrase "hot, sweaty rat-infested rooms".   This is disappointing.  Dammit desi prostitutes, why do you insist on not fitting in my box of uninformed delusions.

Check out the article here.

Welcome My Darling

If you decide to watch the video above be prepared to sit through the five most uncomfortable minutes of your life. What was the direction for this video? "Ladies and what I believe is a gentleman, you guys are sexy enough but something's missing. I know! Get them sneakers!" Is this what passes for a video honey in Swat? So many questions.
The dance moves are nice though. I like the "bend over real fast to throw hair in your face then spin" move, it's actually what made Raheel fall for me....um....this is why we don't blog anymore!

Oh and a confused thank you to Ainy for the link...why?

*Citation Needed

The above video has been making the rounds on the innernets primarily by linking it in your Facebook status and it is pretty nice but really, what are your sources? Are we now allowed to say whatever we want provided we set it to a catchy tune? La Deee Daaaa Sepia Mutiny is garbage Na Na NAAAAAAAA.

Japan>Everyone

Above you'll find my new favorite show (sorry "Dhani Tackles The Globe") Call Cat Sh!t One, or in the United States; "Apocalypse Meow."Seriously. It's about....well I don't know what it's about because I don't read comic books or whatever this is all based on. HOWEVAH! I hope it's a lot like the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan only with fluffy animals. FINGERS CROSSED!