Bihari Shabab Nerd Alert! بحري شباب نرد الرت

I would like to grab your attention for a moment from the dangerous rap music Fahad carelessly posts on this family friendly site. Seriously, cute kids is how they get you hooked and the next thing you know you've been incarcerated 7 times since 2003 like DMX. I've seen The Wire, I know how it works.

Anyway, as you can see in the headline, Bihari Shabab can now proudly claim access to fancy future English to Urdu technology thanks to the geniuses at Google India. It's a Beta Program for transliteration for a number of languages. We can't tell you how excited we are about this. Let me demonstrate:

In the past, when talking about your promiscuous mother, we would be limited in our ability to insult. Maybe we would be able to get away with "Teri Maa", but our readers were probably looking at boring variations of "Your Mother". But now......

أبكي والدة
or
तेरी माँ
or
తేరి మా

The possibilities are endless, well unless you want to transileterate into a non-desi language. In which case you can go فوك yourself. Many thanks to the ever resourceful Saad Abdali for the linkage.

You can get to the arabic site here and the Indian languages here. Knock yourselves out.

You Can Vote However You Like

It's no secret that I am the resident rap expert and like to shoehorn in the hip-hop music whenever I feel like it, much to the chagrin of Raheel, but eff him everyone knows I'm the Gandhi to his Nehru. Anyways, I think this is appropriate since we're going into election coverage mode before we revert back to the usual shenanigans. This is from kids from the Ron Clark (yes THE Ron Clark) Academy in Atlanta performing "You Can Vote However You Like" a parody of TI'S (pronounced; TEE-EYE) "You Can Have Whatever You Like."

Should we just ignore the part where they messed up? I mean, it seems like this was a pretty big deal, they probably should've had the timing down perfectly....we're gonna ignore it? Sounds good.

Lyrics:

Obama on the left
McCain on the right
We can talk politics all night
And you can vote however you like
You can vote however you like, yeah

Democratic left
Republican right
November 4th we decide
And you can vote however you like
You can vote however you like, yeah

(McCain supporters)
McCain is the man
Fought for us in Vietnam
You know if anyone can
Help our country he can
Taxes droppin low
Dont you know oils gonna flow
Drill it low
I'll show our economy will grow

McCain's the best candidate
With Palin as his running mate
They'll fight for gun rights, pro life,
The conservative right
Our future is bright
Better economy in site
And all the world will feel our military might (BRAAAAAAAAAAAT)

(Obama supporters)
But McCain and Bush are real close right
They vote alike and keep it tight
Obama's new, he's younger too
Don't worry if he's black, he's not wack
The Middle Class he will help you
He'll bring a change, he's got the brains
McCain and Bush are just the same
You are to blame, Iraq's a shame
Four more years would be insane
It would also be insane if you read all of this

Lower your Taxes - you know Obama Won't
PROTECT THE LOWER CLASS - You know McCain won't!
Have enough experience - you know that they don't
STOP GLOBAL WARMING - you know that you won't

I want Obama
FORGET OBAMA
Stick with McCain and you're going to have some drama
We need it
HE'LL BRING IT ON AGAIN!
He'll be it
YOU'LL SEE IT
We'll do it
GET TO IT
Let's move it
DO IT!

Obama on the left
McCain on the right
We can talk politics all night
And you can vote however you like
You can vote however you like, yeah

Democratic left
Republican right
November 4th we decide
And you can vote however you like, I said
You can vote however you like, yeah

I'm talking big pipe lines, and low gas prices
Below $2.00 that would be nice

But to do it right we gotta start today
Finding renewable ways that are here to stay

I want Obama
FORGET OBAMA,
Stick wit McCain you gone have some drama
MORE WAR IN IRAQ
Iran he will attack
CAN'T BRING OUR TROOPS BACK
We gotta vote Barack!
Plus Palin is stupid!

Obama on the left
McCain on the right
We can talk politics all night
And you can vote however you like, I said
You can vote however you like, yeah

Democratic left
Republican right
November 4th we decide
And you can vote however you like, I said
You can vote however you like, yeah

BEST CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL EVER!

Seriously, it's got everything. It's simple, has fantastic music, and just the right level of cattiness and humor. Best of all it's only 30 seconds long and eminently parodiable (which is a real word). Anyway, look for tons of these to pop up on youtube the next couple of days. We might even do one or two. You're going down Sepia Mutiny, you literature loving elitists.

Happy Belated Diwali & New Year Folks

Bihari Shabab would like to send out heartiest Diwali wishes to our prized Hindu readership. It is an honor to have you guys here and we couldn't do it without you. No seriously, you guys are the only ones with any cash around here. Plus I'm pretty sure you own three-fourths of the internet and can get us shut down whenever you want. We kid because we love....and because we're going to need a loan here pretty soon.

Now being the uncultured jackals that we are here at Bihari Shabab, Diwali has historically only marked the opening of the latest Shah Rukh / Karan Johar Jatin-Lalit chamkeeli extravaganza. But it's significance is so much more than that. And so we turn to our resident Hindu history expert, Dr. Laxmiprasad Wikipedia:

The festival marks the victory of good over evil, and uplifting of spiritual darkness. Symbolically it marks the homecoming of goodwill and faith after an absence, as suggested by the Ramayana.

On the day of Diwali, many wear new clothes and share sweets and snacks. Some North Indian business communities start their financial year on Diwali and new account books are opened on this day.

Hindus have several significant events associated with it:

• Return of Lord Ram to Ayodhya
• The Killing of Narakasura
• Austerities of Shakti
• Birth of Goddess Lakshmi
• Krishna defeating Indra

Awesome! So once again Happy Diwali to everyone out there, not just our Hindu readers. The festival of lights is something that can and should be appreciated by the rest of you miserable asses as well. Now we leave you with a clip that signifies how we all aspire to spend all of our Diwalis. Through the scope of Kim Sharma's ample cleavage:

Pakistan Is Broke

Two of these people were in charge of Pakistan.

According to Germany's foreign minister Pakistan is in dire need of a loan as it only has "a few days" to raise billions of dollars before Italy breaks Pakistan's knees. In response to the crisis Pakistan's military has decided to halt construction on a $210 million headquarters that would house three branches of the military. Instead they'll use that money towards a coup attempt in a few months. So who's to blame for Pakistan's crisis? Is it Zardari? Is it.....well no it's Zaradari. I think that when you elect a president who is world renowned for his fantastic mustache and corruption then you shouldn't be surprised when the government is seizing your bank accounts and all of a sudden one of the world's emerging markets is on the brink of ruin. I think you're lucky that Zardari didn't tie your girl to railroad tracks like the cartoon villain he truly is, Pakistan.

Obama Target of Assassination

It's a travesty if this isn't on currency one day.

Our White Knight, Harvey De....er rather Barack Obama, was targeted for assassination by two skinheads. The skinheads were arrested well before they even attempted any murders but they had several gun charges levied against them as details of their plans to kill 100 black people and assassinate Obama came to light. Admittadly the people behind this had some terrible planning and their death threats against Obama weren't taken seriously, although authorities do believe that they had the means to carry out the attack at the highschool. It's just sad that we can't all accept change! Do people even take skinheads seriously anymore? I'm pretty sure their days are spent inhaling the fumes from the methlab in the kitchen of their double wide while they pleasure themselves to American History X. I'm still pretty steamed about this though. I think I'm going to go and carve a backwards "S" into my cheek.

I'm Swooning

The people behind Barack Obama's campaign are brilliant. His latest campaign ad, "Defining Moment," should seal the election for him because it's the greatest campaign ad since the Pakistan's People's Party's (is that gramatically correct?) epic "Bhutto is Alive" ads in which Benzy was letting us know that Bhutto is alive. I think the PPP will have to rethink that advertising campaign now.

Obama's campaign was brilliant because it answered questions and his team realized that there was no need to make McCain look bad since Palin takes care of that for them. Enjoy!

It's that voice....that beautiful beautiful voice.

Devin Harris Got Destroyed.

I like this because I'm a lot like Stuart "Townsend" Tanner in that I play streetball and I'm not in the NBA. I'm real. Devin Harris is point guard for your New Jersey Nets and he gets hitted up and disgusted* in this clip. It's exciting

I like that this was all done in jeans and a sweater, it's very proper. Obviously Devin Harris wasn't playing him hard and he was a good sport about it but you never let any one go between your legs and score.....unless you happen to be your mother.

A-RAB MONEY

I know Raheel won't be happy about this because he's under the impression that rap isn't a legitimate form of music and that African-American's aren't smart enough to play quarterback in the NFL (his words not mine). But regardless, I'm going to post about something rap related. Specifically Busta Rhymes on Al-Jazeera. It really doesn't have anything to do with BihariShabab since we are a South Asian blog and South Asians always have to remind white folks that we're not Arabs but watching the news anchor makes me smile.

Does anyone else think that the, "leader of the Arab money movement," Ali looks like the gay Indian dude from Weeds? Also if you were wondering what they were dancing to it's Busta Rhyme's "Arab Money" (below).

Bhel-out?

Kashmiri and now notable Desi, Neel "Krazzzzyyyy Eyes" Kashkari, has been appointed by Henry (Robert?) Paulson to oversee the government's $700 billion (or 40,225,500,000,000.00 x 10^9 Zimbabwean Dollar) bailout program to ensure that the nation's economy does not fail. Neel is currently the interim Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability and before that he was a vice-president at Goldman-Sachs where he headed up the.....wait for it......information technology security investment banking practice. He's got a Bachelors and master's from the University of Illinois Champaigne-Urbana as well as an MBA from the Wharton School in Pennsylvania. Our potential vice-president, Sarah Palin, has a similarly illustrious educational background; a semester at Hawaii Pacific University, one year at North Idaho Community College, one year at the University of Idaho (you-da-ho!), a semester at Matanuska-Susitna community college, and finally 3 semesters at the University of Idaho to complete her Bachelors in communications-journalism. Kashkari is only 35 and he's been given control of the one of the most controversial financial programs since FDR's New Deal so that's impressive. Also impressive is the wealth of information available on wikipedia. If I copy and paste directly from wiki onto a blog post does that count as plagarism?

New Jal Video

Here's the new video for Pakistani Soft Rock Superstar, Jal's latest single "Main Mast Hoon". And it is effin terrible. If unapologetically molesting the sanctity of a national monument like the Taj Mahal were a crime, this video would have to register with familywatchdog. It really is that bad.

But the song is hummable, so I guess that counts for something. Overall though, the video pales in comparison to the epic Bikhra Hoon Video.

Enjoy!

Don't Fatwa The Playa, Fatwa The Game

"Come on...you know you wants to pet the stache"

Pakistani President and Ex-Hathaway Lady Tonic spokesperson Asif Zardari has received his fair share of criticism for his illicit game of Pogum Pogayee last week with VP candidate Sarah Palin. Why I even recall seeing certain sites label him with a nickname rhymes with BuckBase. Well it looks like Grabby Hands Johnson has gotten himself into trouble with somebody a little more serious than really really good looking bloggers:

"A radical Muslim prayer leader said the president shamed the nation for "indecent gestures, filthy remarks, and repeated praise of a non-Muslim lady wearing a short skirt."

Now we are obviously not the biggest fans of Mr. Zardair, but come on, we can't just sit back and defend this unfair criticism. No court in the world would qualify what Sarah Palin was wearing as a short skirt. Apparently someone hasn't watched a Flo-Rida video in a while. Anyway, the religious clerics aren't the only ones upset.

Feminists charged that once again a male Pakistani leader has embarrassed the country with sexist remarks. And across the board, the Pakistani press has shown disapproval.

......

The incident bears some resemblance to yet another charm offensive by a senior Pakistani politician. Marcus Mabry's biography of Condoleezza Rice includes a passage in which he relates a meeting between former Pakistani Prime Minister Shaukat Aziz and Ms. Rice, in which Mr. Aziz was said to have stared deeply into the secretary of State's eyes and to have told her he could "conquer any woman in two minutes."

Charming. Another thing Shaukat Aziz could conquer in two minutes? His overmatched neck with his awe-inspiring chin.

So the President now has an Active Fatwa against him. What does this mean? Not much really. As noted in the article, Fatwas range from daily advice to death sentences. The basic point of this one is to shame the President.

According to the Wiki one needs to be a teacher or obtain a license to issue a Fatwa. I wonder if the local mosque can issue Fatwas. How about we get one to figure out this Eid on multiple days business. Or if that's asking too much, why not start small and issue a Fatwa against putting the Raita at the beginning of the food line at weddings like it's dressing. Is anyone against issuing that Fatwa. It protects us from being oversauced. Incorrect salan to raita ratios are threatening the way of life of millions of Shaadi goers in the tri-state area. Do it for the kids.

Special thanks to the unrivaled Mr. Saad Abdaali for the link along with following priceless line:
"Seems Mustachio has got himself a fatwa." Mustachio! I think it's safe to say we have a new nickname for Mr. Zardari. Shotgun trademark!

VP Debate Preview

As everyone stateside should know, the Vice Presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin takes place tonight. While the VP debate in any other year is not a big draw, the show down this year is understandably hotly anticipated, not just in the US but worldwide. In fact, it wouldn't be a stretch to say Asif Zardari is probably setting up candles and mood music in a special room with a year's supply of Jergens.

Anyway, while we wait for the debate to unfold, here's a preview to what we can look forward to tonight. After watching the clip, we recommend reading this article from Vanity Fair detailing the media's coverage of the Bush / Gore race in 2000. Sure it's 7 pages long and it takes valuable time away from scouring ratedesi.com for the love of your life, but you can make the time. Plus there are some artsy NSFW images on the side of the page to keep you visually entertained.

It really is interesting and quite relevant especially now that the GOP is pushing the whole Biden makes gaffes too angle. There's a difference between being a loudmouth and just being incompetent and they should not be equated in an effort to give off the image that they are being fair and balanced, when they are just being lazy. Watch the clip and it's obvious. One candidate is just more qualified, and it's not sexist or elitist to point that out. Sure Palin has her strong suits too such as the ability to connect with Middle America or Horny Subcontinental Asia. But being adorable isn't what the country needs from a VP right now, if it was BihariShabab would endorse Nick Jonas for president. Or maybe even Joe Jonas, but definitely not Kevin. That dude is creepy.

Of course all of this is irrelevant if Biden loses it and let's a C-Word slip into one of his answers. That would just be totally awesome.

Eid Mubarak!

Eid Mubarak from my Paapi Thobra To You and Your Family

This kindly gentleman's picture came up in a Google Image Search for "Sheer Korma". That will teach me to turn the Safe Search off while looking for pictures of Pakistani "sweeties". Anyway, Eid Mubarak folks! As we all know, today, October 1st 2008 was the one and only true official day that Eid could and should be observed and the those of you who didn't can choke on a bottle of ittar (Muslim Perfume). I totally saw the moon over the Boonton mosque bro, I don't care what the NASA Lunar Calendar says.

While it's sad that year after year we have the same discussion about how it's disappointing that we can't agree on a universal date for Eid, it should be noted that it really is the most pleasant of days. Whether you celebrate it today like you should or celebrated it yesterday like the unrighteous Jezebel you are (joke yaar), everyone seems to have a nice hop in their step. So round up the kids, put on your nicest Eidcentric bling, and enjoy the our little Eidee to you below.

I was going to post a Sami Yousuf video here celebrating Eid, but frankly felt that it lacked the authenticity that I was looking for. So without further ado, I present this clip from the hit 2002 Hindi movie, Tumko Na Bhool Payenge, starring Salman Khan and his Muslim Topi. For the non-Muslims out there, this really is how we celebrate Eid at our houses. In fact, the complicated steps from 2:36 - 2:52, could be entered into evidence as an accurate re-enactment of how I greeted my father this morning.

Eid Mubarak everyone.