Victory

Barack Obama: 338 electoral votes

John McCain: 127 electoral votes

Yes we can.

Getting To Know Barack Obama

With only one day left before you vote for the next president of the United States of America we've decided to do a recap of both candidates and their running mates. This should help all of you who are on the fence decide on who you want running this great country for the next four years (hint: Barack Obama).

Barack Obama is the Democratic Presidential Nominee. He is the junior Senator from Illinois, in the midst of his first term. This is the first time he has run for President and is the first African American nominee of either major party. Unless you have been living under a Barock the last 2 years, you know who Obama is. He is, as the Republican's correctly identified him, the biggest celebrity in the world and undoubtedly the man of the hour. Regardless of which side you vote for tomorrow, one thing is clear, this entire election is about Barack Obama. You are either voting for him or adamantly voting against him. He is the reason why you are showing up to the poll and the reason why there is passion on both sides. So let's get to know Barack Obama. Is he Muslim? A Marxist / Socialist? Lover of all things Abortion? The secret son of Malcolm X? Join us for a special election edition of Getting to Know Barack Obama.

PS - We know its inconsistent of us to use the above picture of Obama when we have used more intimate pictures of the other three candidates, but there are three reasons why we chose it.
1. We are unabashedly in the tank for Obama.
2. You can't mention the phenomenon that is Barack Obama without making note of the crowds that follow him around. It would be like talking about Pamela Anderson and not mentioning her bosom, or Asif Zardari and not using the phrase "mustachioed-bag of douche".
3. It's a pretty freakin sweet picture.

Name: Barack Hussein Obama II.
Wait, his middle name's Hussein? Oh shit, I hope the Republicans don't find out, that would put this whole thing in jeopardy.
Born: August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii...oh no wait, or was it Mombasa Kenya, making him ineligible to be President, as per a law suit that was thrown out last week.
Religion: Protestant Christian...oh no wait, maybe he's Muslim. You see, this is a bit complicated as we will cover.
Family: Obama's father, also named Barack was a Kenyan student studying in Hawaii when he met his Caucasian mother, Ann Dunham. Barack Sr., although born into a Muslim family was never held any religious beliefs and is said to be an atheist. Seriously yaar, he drank alcohol and had premarital relationships with white women, your ammi would never approve. Well we know why your Ammi wouldn't approve, but we'll get to that. Anyway, Barack Jr. moved to Indonesia after his mother got married to an Indonesian fellow named Lolo Soetoro who was also Muslim but also drank. Barack's mother was really into progressive Muslims with an affinity for alcohol. It's a shame she passed away in 1995, she would have gotten along spectacularly well with Salman Khan. They could have made one brawny, attractive, well-spoken Indian kid, who could have been the leader that would bring everlasting peace to the Subcontinent. Although chances are he would've settled for doing item numbers with Malika Sherawat.
Anyway, Obama has a Buddhist half-sister named Maya Soetoro-NG from his mother's marriage to Lolo and roughly 27 half-siblings on his father's side, who spread the Obama seed around the world like it was the antidote to malaria. Obama was mostly raised by his Caucasian maternal grandparents Stanley and Madelyn Dunham(who sadly passed away today) in Hawaii.
He got married to Michelle Robinson, whom he met while interning at a Chicago law firm in the late 80's. Fun fact, their first date was to go watch "Do The Right Thing". Upon leaving the theater they ransacked a white neighborhood and set pictures of white Jesus on fire, while chanting racial epithets. No they didn't do that. They're peace loving, gentle souls and anyone who tells you otherwise is a racist asshole who is threatened by educated, opinionated African Americans. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise, it is what it is. It's not your fault, well it kind of is, but it's probably the way you were raised. So you can thank your racist ignorant douchbag parents. Anyway, the Obama's have two daughters, Malia (born 1998) and Sasha (born 2001) who are totally adorable and about 10 years from being the Black Caroline Kennedys.
Education: Obama went to elementary school in Indonesia until he was 11, leading some to believe he had been educated in Madrassas. And when I say some, I mean Sean Hannity and the functioning idiots that hang off of his balls. He went to high school in Hawaii and started on the state tournament winning basketball team. In his free time he experimented with drugs including marijuana and crack cocaine, which is may be why his favorite show is The Wire. If there's no other reason to vote for him, we should do just because of that. Oh Barack, you had me at "I shot the boy Mike-Mike in his hind parts".
Barack first attended Occidental for two years, but then transferred to Columbia in his junior year and graduated with a degree in 1983 with a degree in Political Science. After that he moved Chicago and became a community organizer for a couple of years. He eventually went to Harvard Law School where he became the BMOC and the first African American president of the Harvard Law Review. Obama was such a star on campus that Blair Underwood, the handsome young star of LA Law and your girlfriend's adulterous dreams, specifically sought him out when he visited the campus. Upon completion of law school, Obama shunned Wall Street firms to return to Chicago to get involved in the local politics.
He Sounds So Nice, Why Would Anyone Not Like Him. Well other than the obvious race thing, Obama does have a history of hanging out with questionable types. And questionable in the way that these are people seasoned politicians know to avoid. He met and served on a board with William Ayers, who was identified as a domestic terrorist and is now a professor at the University of Chicago. He also served on a board with Rashid Khalidi, a vocal critic of Israel, who was also a professor at the University of Chicago and is now a professor at Columbia. Are these controversial figures? Sure they are. But they're not as bad as Fox News would like you to believe they are. Bill Ayers is held in the same negative light as Osama Bin Laden or Spencer from the Hills. But if he was really that bad he wouldn't be a professor at the University of Chicago. Bill Ayers hasn't done nearly as much damaged to the standing of the United States in the world as Dick Cheney and George Bush (both of whom coincidentally endorse McCain). Ok, rant over.
Politics: According to a 2007 National Journal Review rating, Obama was the most liberal of any senator in the United States. You know what that means. If he's elected President with a Democratic congress in power, free abortions for everyone! Also gay marriage will not only be legal but enforced. Every family will have to designate one "gay", or adopt a gay African baby. Prayer will be outlawed, and Jesus will be banned from all school books including the Bible.
So what should we do on Tuesday? You should vote for Obama. Seriously people, don't you think it's time for a change. The argument of this election seems to be the real damage that's been done by the policies of George Bush that John McCain supported with the hypothetical damage that some believe would come of an Obama presidency. Now which path makes more sense, the unproven one or the one that's proven to be wrong?
The selection of their running mates is something that also should be closely considered. It is, after all, their first presidential decision. Joe Biden, as we mentioned earlier today, comes with flaws, he's gaffe-prone, he sometimes says too much, his hair is bewitching. But he is competent and worthy of the position Obama pegged him for. Sarah Palin on the other hand was picked only to titillate and excite the base. Her politics are much further right than even John McCain's. You don't pick a running mate just because you want to win an election, you pick one because they are supposed to help you do your job better.
Also, the fact that the entire world minus Israel (the Palestine Issue), Georgia (McCain supported them against Russia from the get go) and the Philippines (hate basketball) would prefer Obama over McCain is something we should make note of. It's a large, globalized world out there now. America can't just consider itself a superpower and not worry what the rest of the world thinks anymore. The days of swinging our all-mighty giant wang around while the rest of the world bows at it's glory are over. But let's say we still want to use that analogy umm... shouldn't we go with the black guy?
Finally, with the economy in the gutter as it is right now, we can't afford somebody who has openly admitted to being weak on it. Obama has a better handle on the economy and what it would take to get the country out of this mess while McCain supported and championed the deregulation that helped get it into the rut it's in.
For these reasons and because he's a silky smooth black dude, we endorse Barack Obama for president. Sure he's different, an unknown and poses the very real threat of being Malcolm X's bastard son, secretly raised in Hawaii by extremists, biding his time to pounce on the country and turn it into a Marxist homo nation, but we'll go ahead and take our chances.

Obama Target of Assassination

It's a travesty if this isn't on currency one day.

Our White Knight, Harvey De....er rather Barack Obama, was targeted for assassination by two skinheads. The skinheads were arrested well before they even attempted any murders but they had several gun charges levied against them as details of their plans to kill 100 black people and assassinate Obama came to light. Admittadly the people behind this had some terrible planning and their death threats against Obama weren't taken seriously, although authorities do believe that they had the means to carry out the attack at the highschool. It's just sad that we can't all accept change! Do people even take skinheads seriously anymore? I'm pretty sure their days are spent inhaling the fumes from the methlab in the kitchen of their double wide while they pleasure themselves to American History X. I'm still pretty steamed about this though. I think I'm going to go and carve a backwards "S" into my cheek.

I'm Swooning

The people behind Barack Obama's campaign are brilliant. His latest campaign ad, "Defining Moment," should seal the election for him because it's the greatest campaign ad since the Pakistan's People's Party's (is that gramatically correct?) epic "Bhutto is Alive" ads in which Benzy was letting us know that Bhutto is alive. I think the PPP will have to rethink that advertising campaign now.

Obama's campaign was brilliant because it answered questions and his team realized that there was no need to make McCain look bad since Palin takes care of that for them. Enjoy!

It's that voice....that beautiful beautiful voice.

HAHAHA....Wait, What?

Seriously what does the tagline even mean?

Bernie Mac introduced Barack Obama at a recent fundraiser where he made some jokes that the Obama supporters didn't like so they heckled him. News outlets are saying it's because he used foul language and offended people. I'm pretty sure that he just wasn't funny, the joke that got everyone up in a tizzy went something like this and I'm paraphrasing;

"My little nephew came up and asked me 'uncle what's the difference between a hypothetical question and realistic question? (a terrible question, Mr.Mac your nephew is retarded)' I said, I dunno but I'll tell you what you do, you go upstairs and ask your mama if she'd sleep with the mailman for $50,000 (obviously an inappropriate question for a child to ask his mother but since the child is retarded the mother shouldn't mind). My nephew came back and said his mother and sister both said they'd sleep with anyone for $50,000 so I says to the boy I says, well, hypothetically we should have $100,000 but realistically we're living with two hos! ha-cha-cha-cha-cha."

Hilarious. After being heckled and making a few joke type statements Bernie Mac called Barack on stage. Once on stage Obama said to not make bad jokes and punched Bernie Mac in the face before vowing to bed Mac's wife. He then said he'd give McCain the POW treatment and left to go host another rally at a club that Wilco was performing at.

None of the last part happened except the Wilco part. This is a non-story but it's been a slow week so I decided to pull a Templeton (Wire reference, if you don't know, go watch), I'm sorry.

It's Baracko Friday at Bihari Shabab

Let's just come out and say it. Given my background and my love for all things sodomy, there's a 97% chance that if I'm are going to vote this coming November it will be for Barack Obama. There's no reason play coy or to deny something that should be fairly obvious to everyone. With that said, we hope to be, what's the phrase, ahem "fair and balanced" in our coverage and may even be a end up being little extra harsh on the Senator, kind of like a Little League coach who is unnecessarily benches his kid, just to prove there is no favoritism from our side.

What you see up top is the first national general election commercial of the Obama 08 campaign. It's nice and everything, but not exactly goosebumps inducing. Somebody on the Obama team needs to listen to Lovers In Japan from the new Coldplay album and put together a montage. Similarly, I think it would be prudent for team McCain/Jindal to look into securing the rights to Lost! for an inspirational ad around September. What qualifications do we have to be making these suggestions? None really. But we've seen enough Yash Raj productions in our day to know how to assault and manipulate your audience's emotions into submission. Karan Johar has made me cry more times than the endings of "Rudy" and "Braveheart"* combined.

Anyway to make good on our fair and balanced proclamation earlier, how about some anti-Obama news? First of, he rescinded on his earlier promise to only use public funding for the general election in favor of private funding. He's the first candidate to go that route because the public funding would be capped at around $85Million and he can raise much more than that privately. John McCain will be using the public funds and has already come out and bashed the Obama for going back on his word. Not that it's really going to matter in the big picture, but it's a pretty dick move.

Second. Two Muslim women, Hebba Aref and Shimaa Abedelfadeel (of the Detroit Abedelfadeels), were refused seats behind Obama at a rally in Detroit because someone didn't want the TV cameras to catch their Hijabi heads bopping around during this "sensitive political climate". Now the campaign has come out and said that this is not their policy and apologized to the two women for this behavior. Furthermore, Barack personally called the two women and apologized for the whole thing, which they accepted. Apology or no apology, this episode makes my blood boil, and not because of the discrimination thing, but because I think Hijabis are hot. And I can't forgive the Obama campaign for robbing me the opportunity to gawk at them from the comfort of my living room. I'm getting older and the prospective Shaadi talent pool is quickly dwindling. Refusing to put hottie hijabis on TV is only going to hurt matters.

For a another take on this, we turn to the Daily Show. You might be thinking, hey this is the second Daily Show clip this week. You would be correct and you should probably get used to it. The only thing that can match my lack of creativity is my laziness.

*What I really mean is "Titanic" but between that and the pro-sodomy stuff, it's not looking good for my manliness.

BC of The Week; Muammar Gaddafi

Never trust a man who wears sunglasses indoors.

Once upon a time ago Muammar Gaddafi was one of the most dangerous men in the world, responsible for numerous acts of human rights violations and terrorism, he's not a BC of the week for those reasons. Now Gaddafi is kind of like your run of the mill crazy dictator evidenced by his comic book villain-like decision to have an "Amazonian Guard," a group of 500 women who are his only body guards. That's just good old fashioned crazy. But that's not why we're here, he's done plenty of things to earn the title of BC of the week but one thing stands above the rest. Gaddafi may have cost Barack Obama, a chance at the presidency (yes, we are like the Brangelina of the blogoshpere in our shameless campaigning for Obama). Obama and McCain are the main candidates for the election in November and Obama is wildly popular outside of America, especially in Africa. Unfortunately for Obama that means that many Americans, namely West Virginians and Ohioans will think that he's a Muslim and a traitor ("would you vote for the same man as an Islamic socialist dictator like Muammar Gadafi?. Vote McCain, Jindal in '08"). Gaddafi didn't help when he said Obama was lying to boost his campaign when Obama said Jerusalem should remain Israel's undivided capitol. Gaddafi also said that he feared Obama would "act worse than whites" because of an inferiority complex that he is black. Gaddafi then urged Obama to essentially say it loud, he's black and he's proud because all of Africa is behind him. Apparently Colonel Gaddafi doesn't understand how American democracy works because whether or not Africans support him doesn't really matter since they can't vote in the upcoming election. Hell there are parts of this country where even African-Americans can't vote, remember the 2000 elections? Also hurting Obama's campaign is the fact that celebrating his blackness isn't exactly tolerated by some people in this country (West Virginians). So congratulations Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, because you decided to hurt Barack Obama's chances to become the next President of the United State of America, you are the BihariShabab BC of The Week.

Marietta, GA May Not Be Ready For A Black President

In his defense, he's also selling Herbert / McCain 08 T-Shirts. Oh also, I would personally like to thank the unsung hero in this, the unnamed New Jersey-ite who surely bought 100 T-Shirts just to take them off the street. I salute you sir.

Clinton Wins West Virginia in A Blowout....Hill-Billies Rejoice....And I.....

Quietly mutter "motherf**ker!" to myself. Yes Hillary Clinton beat Barack Obama like a rented stepchild in the Democratic Primary for the great state of West Viriginia. Clinton won by a margin of 67 to 26, which our political expert and resident Mathlete Pritam Dodeja tells me is somewhere between 39 and 45%.

Anyway, this means that the race between the Democrats is going to go on at least till the last primary on June 3rd, so you know, enjoy all that democracy.

Cnn.com

West Virginia Is For Lovers....Who Happen To Be Siblings

An artist rendering of what we think Mr. Simpson looks like.

I know that so far in this little endeavor of ours we have avoided getting too political. Heck, we've pretty much avoided talking about anything really that doesn't involve the enchanting skills of Rakhi Sawant. There are a couple reasons for this. The first and most important being that we are, for the most part, remarkably shallow. Aww-inspiringly even. The depths of our shallowness really knows no bounds. But another reason is the fact that it is almost impossible to talk about politics without sounding like a big ole' bag of douche. It can't be done. Trust us, we've tried talking with the fine people at SAALT, and we feel like punching ourselves in the face every time an asinine comment of ours like "Barack Obama is totally like Raj Aryan Malhotra in Muhabbaetin, I would totally write on a leaf and salute him if he asked me to" is met with an awkward silence. So we've come to a healthy compromise. We will only talk about politics in the least cringe inducing way possible. Namely highlighting other people's faults and snickering at them from a far.

Sometimes this is going to be easier than others. As in the case of lifelong Democrat and West Virginia resident, Leonard Simpson, who explained to the Financial Times website, why he will not be casting a vote for Illinois Senator Barack Obama in the upcoming WV primary this coming Tuesday.

“I heard that Obama is a Muslim and his wife’s an atheist,” said Mr Simpson, drawing on a cigarette outside the fire station in Williamson, a coalmining town of 3,400 people surrounded by lush wooded hillsides."

The fact that a half retard baboon like Mr. Simpson has a vote is a smidge scary. Do you know how hard you have to work to not know that Obama isn't a Muslim? Not only would you have to go out of your way to avoid any television news in the last year and a half also have to dodge newspapers like they were the plague, or in the case of Mr. Simpson, you know, a black person.

I mean sure it's a little hypocritical for us to be saying this, considering I'm voting for Obama on the basis that he plays basketball and because I like rap music, and because Hillary Clinton's daughter is more uncomfortable talking about her mother in public than Shah Rukh's daughter in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. But I guess what the moral here is that we all go and vote*. S0 we look forward to casting our vote this November alongside you Mr. Simpson, you newspaper avoiding, sister-hitting-on, current BC of the week nominee and front runner, racist to an almost adorable level son of a bitch you.

*So not the moral, but I can't think of another way to end this post.

FT.com
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai - Part 2
Barack Obama Mixtape