Monday, June 30, 2008

Ask Nas You Don't Want it With Hove.....NOOO!

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KUTTI!

When my life as a troubled superstar blogger who transcended race only to be struck down by a crippling case of carpel tunnel syndrome the year after I win the Nobel Peace Prize is translated into a biopic, the part depicting my childhood will have the alternative rock stylings of the 90's as the accompanying soundtrack, while the depiction of my maturation into adulthood will be set to the mainstream and underground rap groovings of 1999 and on. So it is without surprise that I was very excited to see Jay-Z performing Oasis' "Wonderwall" at the Glastonbury music festival in England. I was so excited that I was able to discount the fact that Jay-Z wasn't performing as much as he was mugging for the camera. It's cool though because Jay-Z's song choice was the gentlemanly equivalent of Jay-Z performing "Takeover" at Summer Jam (yeah I sampled your voice you were using it wrong, you made it a hot line, I made it a hot song). You see, the Gallaghers, of Oasis fame, had been publicly criticizing Glastonbury officials for making Jay-Z the headlining act at the traditionally rock music festival (understandable). In response Jay-Z strutted out there and displayed the rap bravado that scared white people back in the day to the joy of all attendees at Glastonbury (also understandable....I'm trying to maintain my neutrality). This could be the sign of the first inter-genre music wars. I expect Oasis to hit back with something substantial while Jigga should be a little rusty from his last battle with DeShawn Stevenson. In the end I expect Noel Gallagher and Jay-Z will sign the treaty that I wrote to end the "ReVoLUtIoNaRy WaRz" and a few months later Beyonce and Amy Winehouse (who's still as dysfunctional as ever) will sing a duet together in honor of the lasting peace I ushered in. I can't wait.


Friday, June 27, 2008

"Bhalu-Wala; A Story Of A Man And His Bear" Coming Soon From Sanjay Leela Bhansali.

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The Indian Christopher Robbins.

You may have noticed that in typical blogger fashion Raheelium and I are cynical haters who see no merit in any news. For the most part you're right but be prepared because I'm going to flip the script on you. Ramesh Munda, AKA Ram Singh, has just been released from prison after being arrested for rescuing a bear cub and raising it as a member of his family for two years in the eastern state of Orissa in India. Ram Singh rescued the bear, named Rani, after he found it abandoned by its heroin addled prostitute of a mother and decided to bring it home to cheer up his daughter who was grieving over the loss of her mother. Sentences like those are the reason why I became a blogger in the first place, well that and the superstar status that I've achieved. However in a truly filmi twist the Orissa forestry officials led by Mogambo Thakur Singh Khan decided to split up the family by throwing Ram Singh in jail, Rani in a zoo, and leaving Ram Singh's daughter Gulki to presumably fend for herself. While Ram Singh was wasting away in jail Rani wasn't eating at her zoo and Gulki had been crying non-stop all while Kailash Kher's "Teri Deewani" was playing in the background. However times have changed for the once happy interspecies family. Ram Singh has been re-united with Gulki after defeating Mogambo Thakur Singh Khan and his cronies with the inspiration of the memory of his wife. Now Ram Singh and Gulki are trying to get their family back together by getting Rani out of the Zoo. No doubt you, like myself, are now weeping after having heard Ram Singh's story. You too can help reunite Ram Singh and Gulki with Rani by commenting on this post and spreading the word about BihariShabab and subsequently raising awareness for the plight of Ram Singh and his family. Don't fail Ram Singh, he needs you now more than ever.

Khabarnama

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Khabarnama is a quasi occasional link dump of the news we think is worth your time but not enough to warrant actual posts.


An Indian politician is conducting an 11 day prayer for Obama. He's also sending him a giant gold plated Hanuman idol for good luck. Hmm. I uhh....I HAVE NO COMMENT. YOU HEAR ME! NONE!

Fresh off it's successful seduction of Steven Spielberg and Dreamworks, Reliance has now inked a multi-year deal with Amitabh. Only a matter of time now before they get around to sexy, independent desi pop culture bloggers.


An IIM graduate from Bihar has decided to put his hard earned degree to good use...by wrapping fresh vegetables in it and selling them across the country.

An MP from Bihar was convicted of a 16 year old murder case.

Will Smith on the Colbert Report.

And finally, it's two of our favorite things on this blog together: The non-threatening soft-rock music of Coldplay and the godless liberalism of The Daily Show:








You see how awful these links were? Want to help avoid this in the future? Please send any suggestion to us at raheelium@gmail.com. We will show you our gratitude for your troubles by giving away a 2 month parking pass for one of the three helipads at our new Daddy Mukesh Ambani's residence....or we'll give you a shout out on this here fine site.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Your Daily Asia Cup Update

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Your Daily Asia Cup Update is like the hot second cousin of our immensely popular Daily IPL Update feature. It's here to visit once a year, you enjoy it's company, it teases and titillates you into thinking that hey maybe there's a chance here and then poof it's gone before your parents and it's parent can talk Rishta Wishta.

The Asia Cup is currently taking place in Pakistan. This is your one stop shop for all scores, stats, insights, and snarky comments.


June 24th:
Bangladesh vs. United Arab Emirates

Gaddafi Stadium Lahore
Bangladesh wins by 96 Runs

Mohammad Ashraful posted a 109 runs / not out inning in the first match of the Asia cup. Mo' Ash as he is called lovingly by his teammates was announced the Man of the Match for his effort, and received a 50% voucher for all Lahore area "Salt N' Peppers" as part of his reward. Bangladeshi spinner Abdur Razzak (no, not that one) collected 3 wickets while giving up a measly 20 runs in 10 overs, for which he was awarded floating tubes for him and his entire family.

Pakistan vs. Hong Kong
National Stadium Karachi
Pakistan wins by 155 runs

Pakistan and Hong Kong met in Karachi because apparently we are running out of countries that play cricket. Hong Kong really? Anyway, Younis Khan had 67 runs while Fawad Alam was not out for 63. The real story here is Salman Butt who got his ass caught and bowled for a duck on the third ball of the game...against Hong Kong!?! While I do not wish any team ill, I am looking forward to Hong Kong losing quickly so they can go back to providing me with pirated software and movies that have yet to be released.

June 25th
Bangladesh vs. Sri Lanka
Gaddafi Stadium Lahore
Sri Lanka wins by 131 runs

Coming off the thrashing of the UAE, Bangladesh found out that things are a little tougher playing against a team that is not comprised of Pakistani and Indian immigrants who need a hobby because they have the summer off. Man of the Match KC Sangakarra notched 101 runs off of 91 balls for Sri Lanka, who posted an impressive innings of 357 runs. Abdur Razzak (still not that one) collected three more wickets to bring his tournament high to 6. If he keeps this up he may work his way to winning floaties for the entire neighborhood.

India vs. Hong Kong
National Stadium Karachi
India wins by 256 runs

MS Dhoni and SK Raina both scored centuries for India (109 and 101 respectively) which set a tournament high innings of 374 runs. Although both players had impressive outings, it was Raina who deservedly won the Man of the Match by scoring his 101 off of just 68 balls, collecting 7 fours and 5 sixes which would be even more impressive had it not come against Hong effing Kong. In any event, Dhoni must now lend him the chick from Om Shanti Om until the next game because I hear that's how the Indian club house works. PP Chawla collected 4 wickets for 22 runs for India.

June 26th Matches
Pakistan vs. India
National Stadium Karachi
(Sweet!)


Sri Lanka vs. UAE
Gaddafi Stadium Lahore

Well That's Just An Awful Idea

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Kya Thobra Hai! Tuh Tuh Tuh....

By now you all have probably heard the news about the impending Sylvester Stallone / Akshay Kumar / Kareena Kapoor cluster eff that's being paraded around like it's a milestone for the Indian Film Industry. But seeing as how we are one of the leading voices of Desi pop-culture in the blogosphere (of our mind at least), I thought it warranted a post, mainly so I could be on record right now as to just how horrible an idea I think it is. Before we do that, how about some background info:

"Stallone has signed up for a cameo role in Kambakht Ishq, a big budget blockbuster starring Indian heart-throb Akshay Kumar." .... "It will be filmed at Universal Studios in Los Angeles, with Kumar in the starring role as an all-action stuntman.

Stallone will be one of several celebrities playing themselves - in addition to Schwarzenegger, actress Denise Richards has also been approached about a part."

Wow, I really was much more riled up before reading Denise Richards may be in it too. Let's just say she will forever have a special place in my heart for setting off a chain of events that ended with me attaining the ability to grow my first mustache.

It's a good time to be involved in Indian movies. Between the Reliance/Dreamworks deal, the popularity of Aishwariya Rai amongst a league of international perverts and the steady rise in Shahrukh's visibility internationally, there is going to be a lot of money being thrown at Indian filmmakers. Spending $22Million (the highest budget in Hindi movie history by the way) on a story about a stuntman falling in love in Hollywood is a wasted opportunity. I bet the entire budget will be spent on adequate action scenes or to pay for CGI work on Kareena's cottage cheese thighs (Bear with me, I'm just hating, I really am a big fan of Mrs. Kapoor Khan). But why would the average viewer want to watch 2nd rate action scenes when you can watch better executed fare in your average run of the mill Hollywood movie. Also is casting Sylvester Stallone in the middle of his 80's movie revival period really that big a get at this point? Did they have to drag him off the set of "Stop Or My Granddaughter Will Shoot?"(You knew that was coming...I'm sorry).

There are so many more gifted filmmakers in India who could do a hell of a lot more with that kind of cash. Why not give it to someone like Ram Gopal Varma or Raj Kumar Santoshi. You know guys who actually pay more attention to the plot then figuring out the best angle to shoot Malika's item number. You know you can throw $22Million at a period Jenna Jameson feature called "Pompeii", but it won't change the fact that it is an adult movie. Sure there might be snazzy Hi-Def, multi-angle features on the DVD not to mention multiple soundtrack options. But at the end of the day are you really attracting more viewers just because there's a reenactment of the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in the background of the climactic scene (although that would be terrific symbolism). Not that I would know anything about any of that stuff because I don't know how those movies work. Forget I mentioned it.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that while it's good to see Hindi Cinema getting this exposure, because it is long overdue, the people in charge have to make sure that they put their best foot forward. Otherwise it's just going to be another fad that comes and goes. Don't believe me? Ask Ricky Martin. 9 years ago he was ruling charts all over the world. Now he has to admit to an affinity for Golden Showers to get attention. I really really hope that one day Akshay doesn't have to do the same.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Setting Us Back: Nipa Bhatt

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Setting Us Back is a new feature from Bihari Shabab where we examine fellow members of our Desi community that set us back through their actions or words. For example had this feature existed in the past we would have included American Idol nincompoop Sanjaya Malakar, fabulist author Kaavya Viswanathan or that quasi minstrel show, Kashif the dancer from America's got talent. We do this as a service to the rest of us ...or maybe we just like hating.Name: Nipa Bhatt
Age: 35
From: Victoria, MN

Claim to fame: Was a contestant on the currently season of the Food Network's "The Next Food Network Star" before thankfully being ousted this Sunday.

Offense: Semi-Milfish Nipa here came to the show with one simple goal, "to bring Indian flavors to the masses". Hey that doesn't sound so bad. Unfortunately, she thought she would do this without actually having any sort of, what's the phrase, "culinary skills". She kept introducing herself through her stupid "Indian Midwestern Girl" title like that alone would make the job hers. On top of that she bitched and moaned incessantly about all the challenges and had a freak out when she had to touch a dead fish to cook it. Yes, because when would touching dead meat come into play if you had a cooking show. But the coupe de grace of the entire "Nipa Experience" came on her last episode. While doing her presentation before serving food to a group of men and women from the Coast Guard, she decided to do a "Bollywood Dance" show a tell which was as horribly awkward as you can possibly imagine. Maybe even more. I had douche chills that could be viewed from space.

Setting Us Back Score: Although I was initially outraged, after having thought about it for three days I guess it's not that bad. It is after all just the food network. I thought that at the very least, she spilled water on all of the hard work Padma Lakshmi has been doing for the last 3 seasons on Top Chef. But while doing research for this post, I found out that Padma Lakshmi has some very NSFW pictures on the web that I would not dream of linking here, so I'm going to assume Padma's going to be A-OK.

Sure she made me cringe every time she was on screen, but at the end of the day she's just trying to live the dream. So after careful deliberation, I decided to give Nipa a lowly 3.5 on a scale of 1-10 which is not nearly enough to stop the Bobby Jindal Train.

Nipa I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors...as long as none of them are on television.

Lakshmi Mittal; Father of The Year?

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"I just purchased a white man, EEEEE!"

Lakshmi Mittal, the World's fourth richest man as determined by Forbes, just purchased his third home on Britain's "Billionaire Row" in Kensington Palace Gardens which is not an amusement park as I had assumed. The combined value of all three houses is estimated to be nearly £440 million (equivalent to 7,971,328,028,762,267,648.00 Zimbabwean Dollars) which is a ripoff since none of the houses have even one rollercoaster. Mittal-ji bought the latest house for his daughter, Vanisha, for £70 million because she received "full marks" on her maths (not true but I'd like to believe it is). This comes just months after he bought his son Aditya a £117 million mansion on the same street. Mittal's first house, dubbed the "Taj Mittal" (CLEVER!), on Billionaire Row is the most expensive private property in the world (at least until Mukesh Ambani's fortress of doom is completed) valued at £250 million. What does £250 million buy you? well lets see here; 55,000 sqft, 13 bedrooms, a Turkish bath (it's slightly more secular than the stand up shower), a bejeweled swimming pool, and an oak paneled gallery. Considering that there is no helipad I'm going to have to say that Mr. Mittal overpaid, oh what's that? He bought it for £57 million and the property valued jumped to £250 million?. Of course it did. Anyways, Mittal decided that because his children behaved well they were allowed to get houses. While his son's house is more expensive, his daughter's is the former Philippine Embassy and comes complete with the Philippine-American dance troupe, Kaba Modern. Honestly I want so much to hate on Lakshmi Mittal's purchasing habits but I can't. He didn't buy the houses for the hell of it, he bought them because his kids would stay near him and since he's worth £25 billion, £440 million is not gonna be that big of a deal to him. What I'm trying to say is, Mittal sahib, I think you're the best industrialist India has ever produced and I respect how you treat your family. Adopt me.


Monday, June 23, 2008

BihariShabab Biwi Prospectus 2008

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It's terrible photoshopping but Aamir doesn't seem to care.

We know that a sizable portion of the BihariShabab movement is male. For you we have constructed a potential wife/Miss Universe '08 preview. For the ladies, we don't discriminate, so email us and we'll show you not only our biodatas but also the biodatas of several notable desis. Having a comprehensive preview of all the lasses is much too tiring so instead I'll only include the shining stars, to see the ladies who couldn't win our hearts watch the awards on July 14 in Vietnam, you don't actually have to be in Vietnam to watch but that's where it's taking place. You can watch on TV but don't because that's totally gay. The links are all SFW, no bikini shikini....CHI!

Madina Taher, Germany:
Pros: Remember that Aryan race that Hitler pictured? yeah, well Madina Taher is the opposite of that what with her being an immigrant from Afghanistan. Also having her come from Afghanistan is a big plus when you introduce her to the parents.

Cons: She's got a child and since this is the MISS Universe pageant instead of the Mrs. Universe pageant we're gonna have to assume that the child was born out of wedlock. Call us old fashioned but that isn't first wife material. Maybe second. Maybe.

Final Verdict: If you have a wife who's all cool with polygamy then she may be aiight but if you're looking for a pehla pehla pyaar then maybe you should look elsewhere like maybe....

Angelica Lightbourne, Turks and Caicos:
Pros: Miss Lightbourne may have the greatest name in the entire pageant so that's something. Also when she's nagging you to go visit your in-laws you can counter by saying Turks and Caicos is not a real place and as such there is no way for you to get there.

Cons: Look, we at BihariShabab love ladies of color, whether it be black, brown, white, and whatever color East Asians are (is yellow racist? are they yellow?). But our parents are of the old world so bringing lovely Angelica home to sign them marriage papers may cause a little ruckus.

Final Verdict: Angelica is a lovely lady but if you're afraid of your parents you might want to avoid her, hard as it may be. Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck.

Yara Naoum, Egypt:

Pros: Well, she's Arab and Arab food is good. She says she has a strange sense of humor so maybe she'd marry one of us as a joke. That'd be a good one Yara!!....call me.

Cons: She's acted in a major Egyptian film which is like being proud of acting in "Laarki Panjaban" from Lollywood. So she's not competent.

Final Verdict: Yara's biodata deserves some consideration but not too much since she is essentially a young Egyptian Meera.

Samantha Tajik, Canada:

Pros: Quite possibly the most attractive woman in the entire competition, Samantha was born in Iran and raised in Canada. She's also a fantastic looking woman. Samantha, or Sammy as I lovingly call her, lost her luggage on her way to Vietnam so Miss Japan and Miss Korea were nice enough to loan her an evening gown and shoes. My point is that if another contestant is going to let you borrow their evening gown then you must be a great person to get along with. She's hot.

Cons: Well....hmm.....losing her luggage shows a bit of carelessness. She's also the International Model of The Year so maybe she's too pretty.

Final Verdict: Sammy is a looker. She deserves a call and you should probably go ahead and fax the marriage papers right over. Unfortunately she's probably too big time for you or us. So I'm going to say that I wasn't that into her anyways. No seriously I'd marry her.

Simran Kaur Mundi, India:
Pros: Well she's desi so I'm sure she knows how to make biryani and nihari (bihari?). Also she'll probably be an actress so you can accompany her on the red carpet and try to break up that Kareena Kapoor - Saif Ali Khan travesty.

Cons: Well...too be honest, Simran only made this list because she's Indian. She really isn't that great a person and she's got a scar on her thigh from trying to save a puppy's life. TRYING! meaning she didn't save it, meaning she's a puppy killer.

Final Verdict: She kills puppies but she makes nihari (I think) so she's definitely marriage material.

Crystle Stewart, USA:
Pros: Let's let Crystle tell us; "I am more than just a pretty face. I am a college graduate, a business owner, a professional teacher and a humanitarian."

Cons: Well we've got that unpleasant Angelica Lightbourne business again. Also Crystle's more than just a pretty face and that's never good.

Final Verdict: Crystle is nice, she's ambitious, and she loves to research online so she may notice us (maybe you if you commented, jerk). But she's got a little too much Omarosa in her for our comfort. Marriage material but only if you're a competent person or can handle Crystle wearing the pants in your relationship.

Sinem Sulun, Turkey:
Pros: For our Muslim readership this may be obvious.

Cons: Her Miss Universe interview page is unique in that she's only asked two questions. So she's either not much of a talker or she's really annoying and the interviewer couldn't stand her. We'll bank on the latter.

Final Verdict: Other than Miss India, Sinem may be the easiest to bring home for the shaadi because she's petite and you could easily kidnap her. I kid. She's a Muslim so for a Muslim she may be the best choice here. Or not. Depending on how you look at it.

Shunit Faragi, Israel:
Pros: Shunit wants to be an accountant so she's practical. She served in the military so she's tough. Realistically she's a great girl.

Cons: For our Muslim readership this may be obvious.

Final Verdict: If you have no aversion to women who served in the military or Israelis or any combination of the two then I say that Shunit maybe the one for you. Mazletov.

Dayana Mendoza, Venezuela:

Pros: Quotes Oscar Wilde without sounding like an ass. She was kidnapped. While not really a good quality in itself it's a pretty ridiculous story that you can tell others when you go to dawaats. Also, maybe more attractive than Samantha Tajik, a feat previously thought impossible.

Cons: She's been independent since the age of fifteen. Again, while not necessarily a bad thing, I sense some control issues. She's a successful model so she may be out of your league (I'm still in it baby!).

Final Verdict: Dayana is pretty great. She's ridiculously attractive and survived a kidnapping which I imagine is stressful, I'll ask Sinem about it later. She's an independent woman which may not sit well with some guys. For the others she's definitely marriage material.

We wish you all the best of luck and reserve the right of primae noctis if any of you manage to trick some of these women into marriage.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Cribs: Mukesh Ambani Edition

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You may ask yourself why we keep posting about Mukesh Ambani. It's really pretty simple. I imagine one fateful night a drunken Mukesh will stumble into his chair and ask himself if all the money was worth it, whether he really made a difference in the world. He will then proceed to Google himself (not a euphemism), at which point this majestic website will pop up. Mukesh, moved by our respect, admiration and loyalty to all things Reliance, will have no choice but to show his gratitude by directing some of that sweet industrialist cash our way. Or better yet, he'll adopt us as the nakammah sons he never had. That's right, I want Mukesh Ambani to adopt me, I'm putting it out there, I don't care what anyone says. Sure, severing ties with the parents who've given me so much will be tough, but I'll call anyone Daddy for a nominal fee.....that came out wrong. Anyway on to the story!

The half dismantled Jenga tower you see in the picture is no Jenga tower at all. It is in fact the palatial estate of Mukesh Ambani currently under construction in Mumbai. The mansion, named Antilia after a phantom Island off the coast of Spain, is due to be completed in September of 2008 at the tune of a $2 Billion easily making it the most expensive residence in the world.

"According to the plan, the house will rise to a height of 173.12 meters, equivalent to that of a regular 60-storeyed residential building. However, Antilia will have only 27 storeys in all, which means each floor will have a ceiling considerably higher than the current average of nearly three meters."

Among it's many features:
  • 170m tall (558 ft)
  • Space for 168 “imported” cars, divided across six floors
  • An entire floor for “car maintenance,” with an “in-house service centre”
  • An “entertainment floor”
  • Terraces, balconies, and roof gardens
  • A “health” floor, including “the latest gym equipment” and a pool
  • Three helipads
  • Two basement levels
From personal experience, I cannot stress just how important the 3 helipad thing is. I'm sure we've all endured the tension and general annoyance of waiting till our older brother gets his helicopter off the pad before we can land ours. Frankly between the polo matches, the high society parties and watching my oil stocks blossom, waiting for the helipad is such a total waste of time.

Remember that ridiculous scene in K3G when Amitabh pops out of the helicopter and says something like "Nice machine, gotta get some more of these things"? Remember how much you wanted to punch him in the face for that? Well this is like that times about $48Billion. Ugh, I'm depressed. I'm gonna go now and try to figure out how a Google bomb works.

Special thanks to Nauman Hamirani for the story.

Mukesh Ambani's Mansion In The Sky (Mumbai Mirror)

Skyscraper for a Home (JoeHallock.com)
Google Bomb (Wikipedia)

Friday, June 20, 2008

It's Baracko Friday at Bihari Shabab

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Let's just come out and say it. Given my background and my love for all things sodomy, there's a 97% chance that if I'm are going to vote this coming November it will be for Barack Obama. There's no reason play coy or to deny something that should be fairly obvious to everyone. With that said, we hope to be, what's the phrase, ahem "fair and balanced" in our coverage and may even be a end up being little extra harsh on the Senator, kind of like a Little League coach who is unnecessarily benches his kid, just to prove there is no favoritism from our side.

What you see up top is the first national general election commercial of the Obama 08 campaign. It's nice and everything, but not exactly goosebumps inducing. Somebody on the Obama team needs to listen to Lovers In Japan from the new Coldplay album and put together a montage. Similarly, I think it would be prudent for team McCain/Jindal to look into securing the rights to Lost! for an inspirational ad around September. What qualifications do we have to be making these suggestions? None really. But we've seen enough Yash Raj productions in our day to know how to assault and manipulate your audience's emotions into submission. Karan Johar has made me cry more times than the endings of "Rudy" and "Braveheart"* combined.

Anyway to make good on our fair and balanced proclamation earlier, how about some anti-Obama news? First of, he rescinded on his earlier promise to only use public funding for the general election in favor of private funding. He's the first candidate to go that route because the public funding would be capped at around $85Million and he can raise much more than that privately. John McCain will be using the public funds and has already come out and bashed the Obama for going back on his word. Not that it's really going to matter in the big picture, but it's a pretty dick move.

Second. Two Muslim women, Hebba Aref and Shimaa Abedelfadeel (of the Detroit Abedelfadeels), were refused seats behind Obama at a rally in Detroit because someone didn't want the TV cameras to catch their Hijabi heads bopping around during this "sensitive political climate". Now the campaign has come out and said that this is not their policy and apologized to the two women for this behavior. Furthermore, Barack personally called the two women and apologized for the whole thing, which they accepted. Apology or no apology, this episode makes my blood boil, and not because of the discrimination thing, but because I think Hijabis are hot. And I can't forgive the Obama campaign for robbing me the opportunity to gawk at them from the comfort of my living room. I'm getting older and the prospective Shaadi talent pool is quickly dwindling. Refusing to put hottie hijabis on TV is only going to hurt matters.

For a another take on this, we turn to the Daily Show. You might be thinking, hey this is the second Daily Show clip this week. You would be correct and you should probably get used to it. The only thing that can match my lack of creativity is my laziness.





*What I really mean is "Titanic" but between that and the pro-sodomy stuff, it's not looking good for my manliness.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Ouch....I Think I Scraped My Knee As I Was Jumping From The Will Ferrell Band Wagon.

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You're so wacky!
I like Will Ferrell as a person. I think the success has gone to his head but what does that matter to me, I'll never meet the man. Talladega Nights was the last movie of his I've seen and because he's essentially playing Ron Burgandy over and over I decided not to watch any other of his various fillums. I made it a point of not seeing his crappy basketball movie because of their ridiculous advertising campaign in which Jackie Moon/Will Ferrell/Ron Burgandy appear at least once in every commercial break. But I'm a patient person and I respect that Will Ferrell is on his grind, he's getting millions of dollars for portraying the same person, actually he's pretty much the American Shahrukh Khan in that respect. However, a man can only be pushed so far. Will, you made some terrific movies. Anchorman is one of my favorite movies and in Stranger Than Fiction you gave a better performance than Jim Carrey has in any of his attempts to be all dramatic and stuff so I know you have the potential. Then you go and say you want to make an Anchorman sequel. Will, I can't defend this kind of talk, you said that there would be no sequels then you say you want a sequel and really all of your movies are just Ron Burgandy in different settings. William, Listen to me Will! I want to like you and Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen and the rest of the gang and for the most part I do, I even have a man crush on Paul Rudd. Just don't do it, create some new characters and fulfill your potential in a way that Chris Farley never got a chance too. Wait, Chris Farley probably would've followed your same career arc. He played the same guy in every movie and probably would've eventually wanted to be taken seriously like you did, but before that happened he died and now his legacy isn't tarnished.....Hey Will, you wanna try some of this blow?

Khabarnama

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Khabarnama is a daily(hopefully) link dump of the news we think is worth your GD time but not enough to warrant actual posts.

On the heels of our link to Mukesh Ambani's profile in the NY Times, Stephen Spielberg and Dreamworks close a $600 Million deal with Reliance. First of all, Stephen, we didn't know you were a reader. Hello! Nice to have you here. Secondly, I think we're one step closer to my ET vs. Jadoo script becoming a reality.


So it turns out not only was Tiger's injury at the US Open worse than we initially thought, but he now needs surgery on his knee and will be out for the remainder of the year. I so want to be him when I grow up.

India's the murder capital of the world! To the good people of Newark, I spit on you, get off your ass and correct this gaffe.

Barack's campaign is tightening control of his image due to rumors on the internet that he is a Muslim. Conforming to the pressures of dirty politics after campaigning for 16 months against doing just that. Yes We Can!

Please send suggestions to raheelium@gmail.com. To show our gratitude, we will reunite you with your long lost once chubby half brother...or may simply be credited on the blog. Your pick!

Thanks.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I Think I'm In Love

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The saucy minx you see up here Lara Logan, who is the Chief Foreign Correspondent for CBS News, or as the authorities will soon refer to her, the object of my unhealthy obsession. For anyone who has been following along to this blog for the past couple of months, you know I've already called dibs on ESPN Sideline gulabo Erin Andrews. What is that you say? I haven't? Well, I just did. Suckle on that FM. Anyway, aside from being purrty, what makes Erin Andrews great is that she is immersed in a man's world but manages to hold her own when interviewing athletes and sports figures.
Well if we that's the basis of our TV person hottie index, then Lara blows Erin(stop snickering and grow up) out of the water. Her usual assignments have her embedded with troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. I know interviewing a sweaty Sam Cassell should be considered one of the most arduous tests of a woman's will to live, but it really just doesn't compare to standing up to incoming mortar shells.
Now, Lara has been on our radar for a little while, but she appeared on "The Daily Show" on Tuesday, and she took it to another gear. You can see the clip below. She rocks a sexy South African accent and sits three feet away from the desk to show off her legs. If that's not enough, she's passionate in her criticism of the news and drops an MF bomb which probably has more to do with our little crush than anything. I guess we're into some weird domination thing or something. In any event Nadia Khan should consider herself on notice. Her reign atop our TV presenter ladies list is in serious jeopardy.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Getting to Know Fareed Zakaria.

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We at BihariShabab pride ourselves on writing a blog that is not only a great way to waste time but also a great way to learn. A little while back you learned about Bobby Jindal and today I'm going to teach you a little about another brown man making a name for himself here in the United States of America: Fareed Zakaria.
Fareed Zakaria is an editor and columnist for Newsweek as well as the author of a few books including "The Post-American World" on which there was some guftagu on "Mere Mutabiq" (I laugh when he says General Kallu....KALLU!) which I watched but didn't understand. Zakaria is popular amongst the liberals in the nation and has been featured on several television shows, most notably The Daily Show. Zakaria came to prominence after 9/11 when he wrote the acclaimed essay "Why They Hate Us." Zakaria's name has recently come up in discussions as a potential Secretary of State under Obama sahib, although that's really just a pipe dream and he says as much. So, what's the big deal? Well he's a brown man with a realistic and progressive foreign policy and he's living the American dream, that's right he's married to a white woman! Let's break this down a little. Information again courtesy of Wiki and my own brilliant mind, but mostly Wiki.

Name: Fareed Zakaria
Hey Fareed Zakaria Sounds Desi! that's because he was born in Mumbai to Rafiq Zakaria, a minister in the government and Fatima Zakaria, a former editor of the Times of India. So he's built for this, basically it's like if Secretariat and Shahrukh Khan reproduced. I don't think that needs an explanation.
Born: January 20, 1964 (44 years old) be sure to send him an E-card.
Religion: Islam (there goes that secretary of state job), however he is not a practicing Muslim and he is raising his kids as either Protestant or Muslim, he doesn't seem to care. Also he was a wine critic for Slate. HARAM! and Slate sucks.
Education: Metric pass; Cathedral and John Connon school in Mumbai. BA: Yale University where he was president of the Yale Political Union. Ph.D from Harvard.
Cut: 5'10, fair skin.
Biwi/Bachey: As stated above Fareed's wife, a miss Paula Throckmorton Zakaria, is a gauri. There are no pictures of her so I'm gonna assume that as a couple they look a little like this. She's a Harvard M.B.A. so I'm assuming they met when she went to Mumbai to shoot a movie about Indian revolutionaries during the British Raj in which Fareed played Bhagat Singh. They have three children; Omar, Lila, and Sofia. I knew of a family with the same racial dynamic where the kids were named Jeffery/Jaffrey, Shawn/Shaan, and Cameron/Kamran. I thought that was a clever compromise.
Political Views: Fareed mian is a realist. Meaning he has some kick ass foreign policy ideas. He doesn't like the way the Bush administration forces democracy upon nations lacking civil liberties, reasoning that liberty has preceded democracy in functioning democracies in the world. He supported the Iraq war but became critical once it was apparent that it wasn't going to be a Bosnia/Kosovo type UN led invasion. Socially I don't know what his views are but given that he's pro-sharab and pro-white woman I'm going to say that he's ambivalent/liberal, he seems to be focused more on the international than the national.
Hey wait, he seems like a great guy: well that's probably because so far he is. He could possibly be the greatest Secretary of State since Cordell Hull (father of the UN). Too bad he's a Muslim, otherwise that could have been a real possibility. As for his personal life, that may turn off many conservative South Asians. I understand your qualms but I'd have to say that his foreign policy is for the most part impeccable, he understands Arab and South Asian politics and society unlike any other western observer. And ultimately, aren't you more worried about whether or not your family in South Asia may have a bomb dropped on them by the United States or whether or not the gay guy that works at the Banana Republic is gonna get married to another gay guy?
So should we vote for him? sorry, that's not-applicable since he's a dirty immigrant.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Viva Le Tigre!

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Tiger Woods knocked in this birdie putt to force an 18 hole playoff against baggy-panted Rocco Mediate on Monday for the US Open. I know it's golf and walking 18 holes doesn't exactly sound like a feat of endurance, but Tiger just had knee surgery and was obviously in a lot of pain. Not to mention the amount of concentration sinking a putt like that, under pressure, requires. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Tiger Woods is in fact one of the worlds greatest athletes, even if he celebrates like a Desi programmer who just figured out the code to hack into Shaadi.com's pictures database.

Tune in to ESPN and NBC to watch the playoff on Monday.

Wait, Was That...I Think It Was!

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I miss you guys....

The last time you read a title similar to the one above you were hunting down retina scarring videos of SRK's ass. Well, don't worry I'm not gonna do that to you, not today. Today I'm gonna shoutout some cameos of personalities I have great admiration for, who were on a show I had great admiration for; The Wire. The Wire, for you all who do not know, was the greatest show in the history of television (it's a fact and if you're gonna watch please don't watch that nonsense they put on BET go out and rent or buy seasons 1-5.) Sadly the show wrapped up amid pressure from HBO to end the series since no one was watching because they were all too busy being retarded. Due to these circumstances I have to live with being excited when I see actors who played, NAY! became characters on the show in other things (OMG Lieutenant Cedric Daniels is on Lost!!!!). This week I was fortunate enough to see two of the baddest men to ever walk the streets of Baltimore when I went to watch The Hulk (good movie, better than expected) and when I watched the video for Nasir "Nas" Jones's first song off his new album which I'm not sure if I can post the name of it here but it's the slur of choice for the KKK (kab karate karoge?). In the climactic battle in The Hulk I was blessed to be able to pick out Omar Little AKA "Dat C**k Sucka" from the crowd that was watching The Hulk fight The Abomination. I promptly exclaimed "HEY, OMAR!!!" in the theater and was shushed by the same douchebags that clapped throughout the movie (I'm anti-clapping, in favor of a tali-ban if you will). Then only a few days later I was able to catch Chris Paltrow of "Chris and Snoop" fame when I watched the music video for "Be a Rhymes With Tigger Too" (nsfw for lyrical content) from Nas's new album. The song is great if you aren't a peace loving hippie who is caught up in the controversy, get over it damnit. Although I am a little disappointed that he didn't shout out brown folks, are we not your "rhymes with tigger" too? Needless to say both Omar and Chris gave great nuanced performances in their combined 10 seconds of screen time. Also needless to say; New Jersey smells like a toilet.

UPDATE - Yes, an update even before I post, I watched this video again and recognized some more peoples. First of all, much apologies to other Wire fans for missing the Bubs cameo, it's nice to see Bubbles again. Also, it looks like Harold, from Harold and Kumar, as well as Ando from Heroes are Nas's "rhymes with tiggers" too. Good for them.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Khabarnama

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Khabarnama is a daily(hopefully) link dump of the news we think is worth your GD time but not enough to warrant actual posts.


An excellent article on Indian Billionaire Mukesh Ambani

A Look at SRK the Businessman from cnn.com

Pakistan beat India to win the tri-series cup between India, Pakistan and Bangl....East Pakistan. For their winning effort, the Pakistani team will be rewarded with copies of unedited Hindi movies from 1991 through 1997 that they don't have to watch through their ammi's dupata to combat the pixelized censorship. I can't wait until they get to the Mamta Kulkarni years and retroactively fall in love with her.

It's the trailer for Ram Gopal Verma's Contract which is about the Indian underworld (no surprise there) and terrorism (oooh, intriguing). There's really no reason why this won't be excellent.

Here's the trailer for renowned egomaniac and all around douche Kamal Hassan's Dasavatharam. Of the many reasons I think I'm going to hate this movie, I think I would have to list "Kamal Hassan crediting himself as Dr. Kamal Hassan in the credits" at number 1.

That douchebag from LoveStory 2050 isn't even pretending to be more than a Hrithik copy and I kind of admire him for that. Harman Baweja, I don't like you, but I respect the hell out of you.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa is completely underwater. Obviously I hope everyone makes it out alive, but if it's possible, can we please just let them hang out for a couple of weeks without any aid. I'd like to avoid watching Reverend Al on TV comparing this to Katrina. Thanks!!

President Bush wants to get Osama Bin Laden before he leaves office because he's worried about his legacy. Yup, because that would totally make us see things your way.


Aziz Ansari got cast in "The Office" spinoff. Good times!

The Happening came out. You should all watch it to show support for our desi brother Manny Shamms, even if he has lost his GD mind.

Please send suggestions to raheelium@gmail.com. To show our gratitude, you will be the subject of a hardcore rap song in the vein of "Hit Em Up" written and composed by FAM and subsequently posted on youtube...or may simply be credited on the blog. Your pick!

Thanks.


Tim Russert: 1950 - 2008

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Tim Russert, the mediator of NBC's influential Sunday morning show "Meet the Press" and MSNBC's "The Tim Russert Show", passed away on Friday from a massive heart attack. With politics being in the zeitgeist this year as much as it has been and will continue to be till November and because of our penchant to prove ourselves to be the uninformed jackasses we are, it seems we will be covering politics on this here blog. Russert's passing has just made doing that much more challenging.

Although he held a number of different positions (chief of staff to Senators, campaign runner, special council) within the Democratic party early in his career, Russert was one of the few journalists whose work was admired and respected on both sides of the aisle. One only needed to watch Russert's work to understand why. He was an excellent moderator whose line of questioning was firmly entrenched in facts and cut through the BS of the talking points that guests of these kinds of shows tend to shower us with, keeping his demeanor calm all the while. Although he held the title of a political TV commentator, he remained a gentleman who effortlessly navigated through the allure of becoming a caricature that many of his colleagues fell victim to, whether that be the Watch-Me-Speak-Louder-Than-You blow-hard conservative (See: O'Reilly, Bill) or smug self-satisfied Liberal douche (I'm so over you Keith Olbermann).

On a personal note, the first presidential election I followed closely was the 2000 race between Al Gore and Gee Dubbs. I couldn't vote because 1) I was not yet of age and 2) I hadn't become a naturalized citizen yet, but you knew then something special was in the air because of just how different the two sides were*. So I stayed up well into the night watching the coverage on the three major networks, flipping around between Peter Jennings' unflappably elegant, almost James Bondian coverage, to Dan Rather's batshit crazy rambling, to Tom Brokaw's mumbling delivery when I saw Tim Russert sitting aside Brokow break out the now infamous white board to do some number crunching. At that time there were 4 states left that had not been called for either candidate including Florida, as he started to do a break down of the electorates that were already decided. I was following along, doing the calculations in my head when I realized that regardless of who won the other 3 states, whoever won Florida would win the entire thing. Almost on cue, Russert completed his calculations and wrote the words "Florida, Florida, Florida" on the white board and could barely contain a giant smile that showcased his exuberance for the political process. I imagine that anyone who watched Russert on a regular basis felt that sort of warm connection with him at one point or another. He was undeniably brilliant, but he didn't need to prove that to you by shoving it in your face. He sat across the table from the most powerful figures in politics, but knew better than to make himself part of the story, choosing instead to represent us and ask the tough questions that we wished we could ask.

All this and he was also the self proclaimed number 1 Bills fan, which was either a manifestation of his Catholic guilt or a sign of his loyalty to his native upstate New York. Which in my book would be the lone blemish on an otherwise immaculate resume.

RIP.

*In the interest of full disclosure, it should be noted I was totally Pro-Bush and would have voted for him if I could. I think there were a couple of reasons for this.

1) I don't know why we forget this now, but a lot of people were not Bill Clinton/DNC fans when he left office and rightfully so. The man got a BJ in the oval office! You know that adult movie you just saw right before coming to this blog, well imagine that but only with the President of the United States rather than Randy Spears, and in the Oval Office rather than the back alley of a restaurant, or wherever they shoot those things, not that I would know or anything. Anyway, say what you will about GW, but I'm sure we don't have to worry about our tax dollars going to pay for Lemon Scented Pinesol to clean the underside of his desk.

2) Al Gore in 2000 was kinda, sorta douchey. He wasn't the fun chubby Al Gore who makes cameos on 30 Rock and parties with Leo. He was a stiff Al Gore, a fabulist who said he created the Internet and a rude nincompoop who kept sighing heavily during W's responses in the debates. W on the other hand was the laid back Texan who got DUIs and called a NY Times reporters"a major league assholes" into a microphone he didn't realize was turned on. You could relate to him, he looked like he would be fun to hang out with and he was a breath of fresh air after the the stench of the last 3 crummy years. You may also recognize these as the reasons why I'm voting for Barack Obama this time....hmmm.

3) Umm, Al Gore had a Jewish Vice President. And not a cool, funny Jew like Jon Stewart or Adam Sandler, but a hardcore orthodox Jew who looked and sounded like Droopy and was a consistent supporter of Israel. I'll just come out and say it, Pre-9/11, Afghanistan War, Iraq War, Katrina, and Recession we were all a bit more shallow than we should have been. Our bad!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

"This Is Chitting, You Are a Chitter"

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Oh Johnny Bhai, how prophetic your words were.

This may be hard to believe, but this Diwali will mark the 10th anniversary of the release of Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. I hope you feel as old reading that last sentence as I do typing it. Anyway, of the many lessons I learned from the film (i.e. internal bleeding while fatal, it will not rob you of the ability to hand write 7 lengthy letters to your child etc.), the one that made the greatest impression on me was the Johnny Lever's legendary screed against the virtues of females. Oh sure, I spent the last 10 years fooling myself, learning to trust women, believing they weren't just an untrustworthy species encased in hot hot bodies. I believed that all until today....

"Like an increasing number of other Muslim women in Europe, she had a "hymenoplasty," a restoration of her hymen, the thin vaginal membrane that normally breaks during the first act of intercourse.
....
That trend in turn has created a demand among cosmetic surgeons for hymen replacements, which, if done properly, they say, will not be detected and will produce tell-tale vaginal bleeding on the wedding night."

Now a lot of people have accused me in the past of being a chauvinist because I think that women should stay home, work out 2 hours a day, make food and plop out and take care of my children. I would prefer to think of myself as a traditionalist, but that's neither here nor there. Either way, I'm sure you understand that this news has shaken the core of my beliefs. I don't know if there's anyway to come back from this. I'm going to go now and take my revenge on the fairer sex by standing up and taking a piss on my walls and then wiping it up with an authentic replica of Title IX, because if there's another thing I learned from Kuch Kuch it's that girls cannot play bas-ket-ball, larkiyan basketbal nahi khel sakti. You see what I did there? That's called a "call back", I just completed this post's circle of life...

For Muslim Women in Europe, A Medical Road Back to Virginity(IHT)

Friday, June 13, 2008

BC of The Week; Muammar Gaddafi

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Never trust a man who wears sunglasses indoors.

Once upon a time ago Muammar Gaddafi was one of the most dangerous men in the world, responsible for numerous acts of human rights violations and terrorism, he's not a BC of the week for those reasons. Now Gaddafi is kind of like your run of the mill crazy dictator evidenced by his comic book villain-like decision to have an "Amazonian Guard," a group of 500 women who are his only body guards. That's just good old fashioned crazy. But that's not why we're here, he's done plenty of things to earn the title of BC of the week but one thing stands above the rest. Gaddafi may have cost Barack Obama, a chance at the presidency (yes, we are like the Brangelina of the blogoshpere in our shameless campaigning for Obama). Obama and McCain are the main candidates for the election in November and Obama is wildly popular outside of America, especially in Africa. Unfortunately for Obama that means that many Americans, namely West Virginians and Ohioans will think that he's a Muslim and a traitor ("would you vote for the same man as an Islamic socialist dictator like Muammar Gadafi?. Vote McCain, Jindal in '08"). Gaddafi didn't help when he said Obama was lying to boost his campaign when Obama said Jerusalem should remain Israel's undivided capitol. Gaddafi also said that he feared Obama would "act worse than whites" because of an inferiority complex that he is black. Gaddafi then urged Obama to essentially say it loud, he's black and he's proud because all of Africa is behind him. Apparently Colonel Gaddafi doesn't understand how American democracy works because whether or not Africans support him doesn't really matter since they can't vote in the upcoming election. Hell there are parts of this country where even African-Americans can't vote, remember the 2000 elections? Also hurting Obama's campaign is the fact that celebrating his blackness isn't exactly tolerated by some people in this country (West Virginians). So congratulations Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, because you decided to hurt Barack Obama's chances to become the next President of the United State of America, you are the BihariShabab BC of The Week.

The Sweetest Lefty Stroke This Side of Saeed Anwar

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I hated Ken Griffey Jr. growing up for three reasons:

1. My best friend's favorite team was the Seattle Mariners, so naturally I had to hate them, for symmetry purposes.
2. I am and was a Bonds fan / apologist during the 90's and as such was annoyed by the attention Griffey got. I still believe Barry was the greater player during that decade but because of recent events, I guess that conversation is neither here nor there.
3. He was so good at everything and he had that stupid grin on his face all the time that made me want to punch hoes in the wall. That's not a typo.

Jr. hit his 600th home run on Monday and for a day we saw a brief glimpse at what might have been if the injuries hadn't sidelined him for the last 8 years. Sure it was on the road against the Marlins in front of a crowd of probably 158 people, but it made us realize again just how great he was in the 90s and allows us ponder for a second at what might have been. Barring injuries, Griffey would have been getting around to 755 right about now and it would be without the stench of steroid allegations. It would be a coronation at home and a display of respect and awe on the road. Which would be in direct contrast to the awkward love/hatefest that went on with Bonds' chase last year. Sigh, I guess there's no use crying over pulled hamstrings...

I'm embedding this video I found from when Griffey returned to Seattle play against the Mariners last year. It's 17 minutes long. I recommend you watch the first 5 and a half, and let the goosebumps envelope your body. It's highlights from Griffey's career with the Mariners so you get to watch some fantastic catches, some running into walls, some baserunning and of course the sweetest stroke in all of baseball.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Aww Pantshirt!

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Why? because she's your bhabi.

The Mercer Quality of Living Index was published recently and Karachi comes in as the 3rd worst city for personal safety in the world, only Kinshasha and Baghdad were more dangerous. Yes, that's right East-Pakistani hell holes Dhaka and the ridiculously named Chittagong are safer than Pakistani hell hole. It's a sad day for us at BihariShabab, especially since yours truly is going to be spending a month in the third most dangerous city in the world. Since Mercer didn't publish their entire report I can't tell you where exactly Karachi is ranked in quality of life. Thankfully it's not in the bottom six which is comprised of Newark*, Ndjamena, Khartoum, Brazzaville, Bangui, and Baghdad. So for all of you Africans out there, don't worry apparently God still hates you. The top five are Metropolis, Xanadu, Mordor, Camelot, and Atlantis.

*I can only assume Newark is sixth, I've been to Ndjamena** and it's only a little worse than downtown Newark.

**No I haven't, but still.

Peace Out Homie

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Nice cape, douche.

Nepal's King Gyanendra was deposed by the democratically elected Maosist party a few months ago and today Gyanendra Shah and his wife Komal will move to a mansion in the suburbs of Kathmandu. I didn't care until a few days ago when I learned that Manisha Koirala actress in some notable Bollywood movies such as; "1942: A Love Story," "Khamoshi: The Musical," and "Gupt: The Hidden Truth," is from Kathmandu so that means that Nepal is officially a part of the Desi community which should be exciting for all of you of Nepali origin. Gyanendra, who's name I am copy and pasting, will have to leave all of his assets for the Maoists to auction off. The former palace of the king which was built in the 1970's will be eventually turned into a museum, but for the time being Gyanendra's step-mother and his father's mistress (I don't know how this works but that's what it says in the report) will be living in fenced off areas on the palace compound which is depressing for them but they will be happy to know that they are desis, or at the very least that we know that they are desis. So there's that.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Abbajaan, That's a Sweet 'Stache

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I'm sure there are those times when you're kicking back at home with your Abba, maybe cruising Geo Highway (channels 620 and up on Dishnetwork) when you notice that his game, although still tighter than Aamir Khan's shorts in QSQT, just isn't living up to it's full potential. So what's a fly thug like yourself to do when daddy's got a little thicket in the valley of his brows? That's right beta, it's time hit up the beauty salon...

"Pakistan may be a macho, tradition-bound society with conservative Muslim mores, but the male-beauty trade is booming here. Urban professional men, following a trail blazed by their counterparts abroad, are waxing and highlighting and plucking and primping like never before."

I went to Karachi for my cousin's wedding back in '05 and will happily vouch for how awesome the male beauty salons are. All of the male cousins got facials, haircuts, and in one unfortunate case blond tips. Bright yellow highlights aside, it was a great time. They gave us little massages, served hot chai in tiny glasses and I think I may have gotten shaved as well. I don't know, I've blocked that part out.

Please click the link, if only for the Nawaz Sharif hair transplant before / after.

Thanks to Nadia Baji for the link.


Pakistani Men Sitting Pretty (LA Times)

Uh Oh

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Happier times. Would've been really great if she didn't steal so much.

Some times we at BihariShabab take things seriously one of those things being an attack on a foreign nation by the US military. The following is a brief respite from our general "tom-foolery."


Breaking news from the BBC (and oddly no where else) is that at least ten Pakistani soldiers have died in a raid led by US forces near the Afghani border. This is troubling news for Pakistan and the region in general. The Taleban and other militants are throwing the northern regions of Pakistan and most of Afghanistan into a state of perpetual violence as well as corrupting the young Muslims of the two nations into fighting by using propaganda from incidences such as this one and another one tonight in which four civilians, three women and a child, were killed in Afghanistan by US led forces. Obviously there are civilian casualties in war but every civilian that dies due to the actions of the American military could lead to the creation of more and more extremists in the area leading to an increased destabilization of South Asia and we all know that South Asia can't afford any more destabilization. Another issue is that of protecting a nation's sovereignty. The United States Government has been trying to pressure the Pakistani government to give them military bases in Pakistan ever since 9/11. The American politicians need to understand that it is a countries right to protect their autonomy and what better way to undermine autonomy than by giving foreign nations military bases on sovereign land? Basically what I'm saying is the Americans need to slow their role because sending troops into Pakistan is not a good idea, especially at a time when America's influence in the world is waning and it desperately needs allies in the area. If Obama or Jindal can do something about that then maybe I'll register to vote, till then I'll just roll in my Kali Denali(language probably nsfw if your boss understands punjabi, then again I could be wrong because I don't understand punjabi).

Khabarnama

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Khabarnama is a daily(hopefully) link dump of the news we think is worth your GD time but not enough to warrant actual posts.

So that's why it cost me $4.05 a gallon this morning.

Nope, I take it back, this is the reason why it costs me $4.05 a gallon this morning.

Ohhh, yeah....pow-chik-ka pow-wow, pow-chi.....oh F$CK!...Hey, literally!

NBA refs apparently unfairly targeted Yao Ming. Unless they attacked his kneecap with a steel pipe, he has nothing to complain about. Expect a post on this soon from noted Centers from the Orient Apologist FAM.

Hey! Steve Jobs Nano.

Probably want to hold the tomatoes on your veggie Whopper for a little while.


Please send suggestions to raheelium@gmail.com. You will receive a letter of gratitude written in FAM's blood or may simply be credited on the blog. Your pick!
Thanks.



Yeh Bobby Bobby Kaun Hai? Yeh Bobby Bobby..

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By now, I'm sure we have all heard the name Bobby Jindal. Perhaps just in passing, maybe in a Hurricane Katrina special on CNN, or maybe you came upon it late one night, in the comfort and privacy or your home, while googling "Senator Barney Frank Spank"(Jump to 6:45, it's a long clip).
Either way, we don't think the young governor has been given enough attention from the desi community. Especially considering his impressive accomplishments at such a young age and more importantly because he is about to become a whole lot more relevant to the American Political discourse (does that make us sound like douchebags?). Anyway, here's a little background on the soon to be Republican VP nominee courtesy of Wiki.

Name: Bobby Jindal
Hey Bobby doesn't sound Desi: First name actually Piyush, adopted Bobby from watching the Brady Bunch (aw, that's cute)
Born: June 10th, 1971 (37 years old), Baton Rouge, LA (hence in the running for VP)
Religion: Born Hindu, converted to Catholicism in High School. This could be the first hurdle in attaining the desi vote because that revelation may at first seem a little dubious, if only because we tend to be cynical about that kind of stuff, but upon further review is absolutely genuine. Bobby doesn't hold back on defending his Catholic faith, sometimes even more strongly than it might behoove him. You can read more about it on www.jindalonreligion.com an excellent sampling of his writings and speeches on the subject.
Education: Undergraduate from Brown in Biology and Public Policy ('91). Masters in Political Science from Oxford(Rhodes Scholar). Impressive!
Biwi / Bachay: Supriya Jindal (36). Met Bobby in high school, but did not date him until 1996 when his date to a Mardi Gras Ball canceled at the last minute, so I guess that's cute too. She looks kinda like the good bahu on a Zee TV soap opera, so that's good, but they kiss and dash in public, which will probably make desi voters uncomfortable as it gives me the heebs n' jeebs.
3 Kids - Selia Elizabeth, Shaan Robert & Slade Ryan (sweet names).

Political Background:

  • Got his start in 1996 when he was appointed by then Governor of Lousiana, Murphy Foster Jr., to the office of Secretary of Louisiana Department of Health and Hospitals. In 3 years, converted a $400 million deficit to a $220 million surplus.
  • He was appointed to a number of different commissions from that point on
  • The most notable appointment came in 2001 when he was unanimously confirmed to the office of Assistant Secretary of Health and Human Services for Planning and Evaluation based on the nomination of W. Or wait was it Assistant to the Secretary of Health and Human Services for Planning and Evaluation...same thing...no it's not. Anyway, at 30, Bobby is the youngest person ever assigned to that post.
  • Ran in and and lost the 2003 Louisiana Gubernatorial Election by a margin of 52-48
  • After losing the election, ran for and won the seat vacated by David Vitter in Louisiana's 1st congressional district. David Vitter admitted to using a DC madame in 2007 which has nothing to do with anything but allows me to link to this terrific video.
  • After two years in the House, Bobby ran for and easily won the Governorship of Louisiana. He's the youngest governor in the US, and the first non-white governor of Louisiana since the civil war, when a guy named P.B.S Pincher was in office for 35 days. He was biracial and P.B.S is clearly a rap name.
Political Views: Jindal is hardcore ultraconservative. He's pro-life, anti-stem cell research, supports teaching intelligent design in school, not a big fan of the separation between church and state, voted for making the Patriot Act permanent, voted against gay marriage, wants to fence up the borders and received an A Rating from the Gun Owners of America.
Hey Wait, He Kinda Sounds Like a D-Bag: Well I guess that depends on your definition of a d-bag. Like we said, he is ultraconservative and like any good Desi kid, he goes about proving it by showcasing his conservatism 100%.
In doing my background for this post, there were two positive things that stand out above anything else about Bobby Jindal.
1) He is ridiculously competent.
2) He absolutely believes everything that he says.
As you can imagine both of those qualities are refreshing.
Of course the major negative is that he really doesn't have a kinship with his fellow desis or minorities in general. It's seems as if he's trying to out-conservative the most conservative members of the Republican party so that no one can point a finger at his let's say "nontraditional" appearance. His policies and his voting record make him come off as a "close the door behind me" type of immigrant, which I guess, isn't uncommon in our community.
So Should We Vote For Him: That comes down simply to what direction it is that you believe this country should go into. When it comes to the technicality of being a public servant, Bobby Jindal is easily one of the most well equipped candidates you could find. He's hard working, honest, brilliant and does the work he promises to do. If you agree with the things he stands for there's no one better for you to cast your vote for. If you disagree with him, then you better hope he loses because there's no way he's not going to deliver.

I Miss The IPL

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East-Pakistani National Cricket team practice, photo taken yesterday
Desis are getting into a tizzy because India, Pakistan, and East-Pakistan are playing cricket against each other. Which is exciting I guess but the only cricket I could watch with some interest was 20/20 (with Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs) and more specifically the IPL. So as far as I'm concerned cricket is out of my life until the IPL returns next season. To bid it farewell I will post Nike's first Indian commercial, it's about a year old but it has the usual Nike creativity. In related news Nike advertising executive has overtaken Google engineer in corporate dream jobs, that is in the highly unlikely situation that BihariShabab doesn't turn into a media conglomerate and make myself and Raheelium into multi-millionaires (I call a 90-10 split of profits in my favor!). Enjoy.

Monday, June 9, 2008

He's So Cool, He's So Fine, Out of Ten I'd Give Him Nine!

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Oh ho, HERO!
Atif Aslam and the gang are currently touring in North America (except for Mexico...."No es justo!" they're saying in Tijuana) and several of my janne-wale have seen him perform. By most accounts Atif is an underwhelming live singer but by all accounts he gets the crowd excited like no one. Pakistan has had pop-stars dating back to the late 80's who were trend setters and acts like Nusret Fateh Ali Khan and Junoon have reached a world stage, but within Pakistan and the South Asian community no individual has had an impact on pop-culture like Atif Aslam. Since the day Jal dropped Aadat all of Pakistan's middle class teenage boys wanted to be pop-stars. Even in the west Pakistanis and Indians want to be the next Atif Aslam (cough cough). It is amazing how many people purchased a guitar after Atif Aslam came out of the closet with his first song. His essstyle is mimicked all over the world making me excited about my trip to Pakistan because now I get to sport a faux hawk, wear my sister's jeans, and occasionally a paan stained wife beater and some short shorts without facing ridicule. I also get to hold hands with other men in public! At this point whether Atif is better than Jal (definitely not) or whether or not he can hold a candle to Strings (again, no) is irrelevant. He is Pakistan's first legitimate rock star. He's Elvis, he's Elton John Lennon, and dare I say it, he is a cowboy, on a steel horse he rides, he's wanted, WANTED! dead or alive.



Sunday, June 8, 2008

Boy From Bihar Tops IIT Entrance Exam; Sexy NJ Blogger Gets Hassled By Parents

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"You tell those two asshats from Google that the next time they come to me with an offer like that I'm going to have to modify the SafeSearch on my Preferences page to give them an adequate response....Get it? I'm techie!

The strapping young boy you see above is Patna resident, and all around academia stud Shitikanth. That's it. He's a badass pimp who goes by only one name, like Pele or Tek from Real World: Hawaii. Young Shitikanth here took the entrance exams for IIT earlier this year and happened to score the highest marks...in the world...beating 311,257 other students.

The IIT entrance exam is considered one of the most vigorous tests of human strength on the planet. I'm not sure if that last sentence is a accurate, but god dammit it sounds right doesn't it? And you know what, we here at BihariShabab couldn't be prouder. The fact that he hails from the greatest state in the subcontinent and the second greatest state in the world (NJ..still number 1) almost makes up for the crushing realization we just had that we will all probably end up working for young Shitikanth at some point.

Let's hope the whole entrance exam turns out better for him than it did for Shah Rukh in Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa. I was going to embed the video here but it's only available on youtube in German, and understandably it's more heartbreaking to watch. So instead here's one of the terrific songs from the movie featuring Vintage Shah Rukh, Lagaan director Ashutosh Gowarikar on drums and everyone's favorite
90's a-hole Deepak Tijori.




Boy From Bihar tops IIT Entrance Exam (Yahoo India)
Deewana Dil Deewana (Youtube)