Thursday, November 20, 2008

House Cleaning Item

1 comments
Muhammad Ali Jinha and Gandhi at a Delta Chi Frat party circa 1946. Not Pictured: Nehru Playing Beer Pong with Alama Iqbal

Since this is the week we're officially selling out, why not go all the way. Hey everybody, Eighty East performs tonight in Newark! In the interest of full disclosure, I must reveal that I have a personal history with Eighty East. Once about 4 years ago, Sid the drummer and I shared a candlelit dinner on the banks of the Passaic River. It was a beautiful moment and I will not ruin it by going into details, but I feel I must be forthcoming to maintain our journalistic integrity.

Anyway, the band is performing as part of the Rutgers PSA / ISA Unity event tonight in Newark. Details below:

When: November 20th @ 7pm
Where: Multi-Purpose Room in Paul Robeson Campus Center
350 MLK Blvd.
Newark, NJ

Along with Eighty East, you can look forward to performances by some dance crews I'm sure and like three or four comedy skits highlighting the hilarious fish out of water experiences we Desis run into every day here in the states! In all seriousness, there will be a performance by the very talented Feroz, whose hippitty hoppitty skills you can check out here.

I believe there is a $5 entrance fee, but it's for charity so please lighten up. Not sure what charity it will go to, but I'm guessing it's going to Israel. Those guys end up getting all of our money anyway. KIDDING! See I'm kidding because the event is about unity and being all racist...get it?..Hahaha...no seriously Jews run the world.

See you there!

Condemnation!

0 comments
Huey doesn't appreciate the Obama haters.

Editors Note: I wrote this yesterday so everytime I say today, just substitute it with yesterday in your mind. Good luck and I apologize in advance.


We at BihariShabab haven't done enough to condemn terrorism world wide. The targeting of innocent people cannot be justified in anyway. Today our own beloved President, Barack Obama, was at the center of a verbal assault by the dastardly Ayman Al-Zawahiri, the 2nd most senior Al-Qaeda leader. Zawahiri said that the election of Barack Obama would not change anything that the terrorist organization is doing and that America would remain the enemy of Al-Qaeda. He went as so far as to say that Barack Obama was a "house slave" and "not an honourable black man like Malcolm X." Ayman, If you knew anything about Malcolm X you would know that he would never support what you are doing since it is even worse than what the American government did to black people through out history, by a lot. In response to your claim that Obama is a "House Slave" you better pump your brakes doggie, that man's a national treasure. On the bright side for those of us who aren't terrorists and condemn it, analysts say it might be harder for terrorists to cultivate support in their anti-American ideology because Barack Obama is loved world wide (as reported by BihariShabab) and they are even losing support within their own territories, evidenced particularly by the success of the Awakening Council in Iraq. Now obviously Barack hasn't done a damn thing so international support for him could fade dramatically but let's hope it doesn't because it's Barack Obama and everyone wants him to do well.

Well folks, that concludes another shitty post, please help us out by emailing links to BihariShabab@Gmail.com and leaving comments. Together we can overcome this slump. I can't wait till the IPL and Miss Universe pageant.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

That'd Buy Lots of Samosas

2 comments
Everyone is feeling the pressure due to the global economic recession we're currently experiencing. No one is losing more in this recession than India's ultra-wealthy business tycoons. Specifically Mukesh Ambani and Father of The Year candidate, Laxmi Mittal. Together they are 1 and 2 on the list of India's richest individuals. Ambani, who made his fortune in petrochemicals, saw his net worth drop by almost 60% and Mittal lost a staggering $30.5 billion. To better understand exactly how much that really is, let me restate it; Laxmi Mittal lost $30,500,000,000. That would buy 30.5 billion Arizona Mucho Mangos (which, coincidentally, the Tata company might purchase). This is especially terrible for their families. Laxmi's kids can't expect ridiculous gifts like multi-million dollar homes and the Ambani family is going to have to hold off on their new home construction for a little bit. You know what would make everyone feel a little better about going broke? This video;



Hilarious.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The Brown Man Feels The Heat

1 comments
Neel Kashkari, the man in charge of the bailout who was profiled earlier here and at JFK airport security hahahhahahhahaa, had his ass handed to him by the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, culminating in Elijah "Clay Davis" Cummings asking him if he was a "chump." Of course that question was taken out of context, in reality Cummings was telling Neel that his constituents are wondering whether or not Kashkari is a chump and getting played by AIG and other companies that are recieving money from the government. It must suck to get slapped down by Dennis Kucinich on national television. He's a small man.



Thanks to Saad and UK youtube for the link and the headline...Props where props are due.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Well That Didn't Take Long

3 comments
"WHITE POWERRRR!!!!! This is awesome, that'll show them"
"Totally awesome, wohoo...wood on fire...makes my point"
"Yea..yea...so do we just kinda hangout here for a while? Should we go around the cross or do we just stand here"
"Don't know...hmm...I mean we're here already...and I mean, we've already proved how awesome we are...you know with cross on fire and everything...you...umm...you wanna jack each other off...I mean only if you want to and because there's nothing else to do...and no homo obviously"
"Well as long as we agree no homo...yeah...let's do it...but only to celebrate the power of the white man...wohooo...here we go"
"WHITE POWERRRRR!!!!!...hold me Billy Bob"
"Yes, Grand Wizard sir."
And scene!

Since the election on Tuesday, acts of racism have apparently been popping around the tri-state (NY, NJ, CT) area like the latest strain of herpes pops up on the Jersey shore. Proving once again that some residents in the tri-state area have comically tiny penises.

A cross was set on fire on the lawn of a nice pro-Obama Indian family in Hardwick, NJ, which is about 45 minutes outside of Newark. Of course it's 45 minutes outside of Newark. The chances of this happening inside Newark are somewhere between zero and "please don't hurt me big black man":

"Pieces of a homemade bed-sheet banner reading "President Obama -- Victory '08," which had been stolen from the yard the night before, also were found, leading investigators to believe the banner had been wrapped around the cross before it was set afire.
....
Police believe the cross, made of two-by-fours bolted to a metal pole like those used to support road signs, was placed on the lawn sometime between 1 a.m. and 7 a.m., and fell over after being set on fire."

You know, it's really surprising that the cross fell over. If there's one thing we know about narrow-minded racists jackasses, it's their expertise in the field of Physics. Isaac Newton's original answer to the question "Why did the Apple fall"? "So I can fling it at the Moors as Bananas don't seem to do the trick...HEYOO...HAHAHA...is this thing on? Oooh, I don't believe I've invented a mic yet." Wow, Isaac Newton was a dick.

Anyway, Gary Grewal, the awesome house owner, will not let the cowardly act phase his support for the President elect:

""I'm not going to be intimidated by something like this," Grewal said. "I don't go on anyone's property and do this. God forbid if I was African-American. We're living in the 21st century, and we've got to be afraid to express our beliefs?"

Right on Mr. Grewal. But he does bring up a good point, let's imagine what it would be like, if God forbid, he was an African-American....

Welcome to Staten Island! Or as it would be known if it were a beer, New Jersey Lite, or New York Ultra Lite. You would think people who are used to living in the toxic land dump that is Staten Island would know the pain one feels when they are discriminated against simply from whence they originate. You would be wrong:

"Ali Kamara, 17, whose family emigrated from Liberia, is still in great pain after being beaten by four young men with baseball bats.

Kamara, a high school student who is Muslim and lives in the Stapleton Section of the borough, was attacked while walking home around 10 p.m. the night of the election. He said as he approached his street, a gold car with four white men drove up behind him, with the men yelling Obama's name."

This story just keeps getting weirder and weirder. First there were the failed physicist white supremacists and now we find out that someone classy enough to drive a Gold car would attack a helpless teen 4 on 1? Shocking. Every person who drives a Gold car that I know, is too busy getting Syphilis spit in their mouth to be attacking teens.

Hopefully attacks like these will slowly fade out as we move forward. Till then, we wish you and your family a safe four years and look to Mr. Grewal's words for inspiration. Thank God we're not all African Americans.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Wannabes

0 comments
God, this took me like half an hour. I might be retarded.

With election fever in the States done it's time to shift our attention to the next big election in the world (yes, there is a world and they also have heads of states). That's right East-Pakistan! Now, specifically I think we should focus on how much East-Pakist...err Bangladesh (I read about their Independence on wiki so they deserve to be called Bangladesh for the time being, don't screw this up) is trying to emulate Pakistan in this election. The election is primarily between the ruling military and Sheikh Hasina, the exiled former Prime Minister who was jailed on corruption charges. Now I'm worried about Sheikh Hasina because she's traveling down a familiar path that doesn't end well. The path I'm talking about, of course, was blazed by Benazir Bhutto and it ended kind of like JFK's presidency ended. What's the cause of concern? Well, the lives of Benazir and Sheikh Hasina are so similar it's eerie. Both their fathers were Prime Ministers of their respective nations and were deposed violently by the military. Benazir's father, Zulfiqar Bhutto was hanged by a general and Hasina's father, Mujibur Rehman was killed along with most of his family by the military as they grabbed power. They both spent a good amount of time out of the country before leading their father's party back into prominance with the good faith of the people of their countries. Then they proceeded to stick it to the same people they represented in the elections as they shamelessly stole millions and millions of dollars from their already impoverished nations leading to their eventual ousters and exiles. Then they came back. We know what happened to Benzy but Hasina only returned today so we really don't know about her yet, but if history is any indication she should probably look into renting out the Pope-mobile for a few months and she should probably divorce her husband too, you know, just to be safe.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

South Asia Is Ba-Rock And Rollin

1 comments
Goa, 1995, after OJ's acquittal

God I hate myself for that title...
Just like America, the rest of the world is rejoicing after Barack Obama's unpredictable victory in the elections. Already leaders from around the world have lavished praise and expressed their optimism in an Obama presidency which highlights how massively W effed up America's standing in the world more so than how great of a leader Obama is. Here's how the governments of the Desi nations felt; (East-Pakistan wasn't available for comment, they were apparently too busy eating fish.)

Sri Lanka- "I am convinced that under your leadership, the United States, which has always been a beacon to the world on many an issue, will continue to provide that leadership in a re-invigorated manner" ~ message from President Mahinda Rajapaksa.
Translation; "Help us end our damn civil war, it's been 25 effing years and Bush spent 8 years asking me for 'tickets to the Tigers game'."

Afghanistan- "I hope that this new administration in the United States of America, and the fact of the massive show of concern for human beings and lack of interest in race and colour while electing the president, will go a long way in bringing the same values to the rest of world sooner or later." ~ Hamid Karzai he also commended the American voters "for their great decision"
Translation; "I don't mind you guys staying here but please don't be a douche and kill civilians by the dozens, I mean I've got an election coming up."

India- "Barack Obama's extraordinary journey to the White House would inspire people around the world" ~ Manmohan Singh he also asked Barack to come to India as soon as possible.
Translation; "Don't take away our jobs! please please please please! Bangalore is a great city thanks to outsourcing. We can't go back to how it was, it was worse than Newark."

Pakistan- "I hope that under your dynamic leadership, [the] United States will continue to be a source of global peace and new ideas for humanity.....I look forward to more opportunities to discuss ways to further strengthen Pakistan-US relations and to promote peace and stability in our region and beyond." ~ Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani
Translation; "I will blow you for $25"

Taliban (not a government but still...)- "There is neither joy nor sorrow among our ranks by the election of Barack Obama" ~ Afghan Taleban spokesman Qari Yousuf Ahmadi he also added "If Mr Obama follows through on his election pledges [of increasing troops in Afghanistan], we will not be pleased with his election."
Translation; "OBAMA WOOOOO!!!! YES WE CAN!!!!!" no, no, but that's some tough talk, "we will not be pleased with his election." they sound like Republicans.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Victory

4 comments

Barack Obama: 338 electoral votes
John McCain: 127 electoral votes

Yes we can.


Vote Already!

0 comments
Hey guys. We're at a pretty important crossroads in our history. The communists are a growing threat. The Vietnam conflict is claiming the lives of thousands of young Americans. Cuba is in the hands of the communists. Communists communists communists. So go out there and vote Lyndon Baines Johnson on November the third. The Negroes too, you guys can vote now too.



It's been a long day and I'm done, vote if you haven't. Go Obama. See you on Wednesday.

Another McCain Ad

0 comments
Ok. Here's the deal, it's four o'clock and either you will vote after work or you won't. If you're still confused as to who to vote for it's because you're an indecisive son of a gun (Editor's note: should read "bitch" not "gun"..you are an indecisive son of a bitch, you indecisive son of a bitch, go vote!) so here's a pro McCain commercial. If you vote I'll give you candy.


The Mac Is Back

2 comments
Maybe you haven't voted because you're disappointed by the lack of McCain endorsements? We're nothing if not balanced (vote Obama!) So here's a McCain campaign ad and please be happy with it, it's very hard to find pro-McCain clips on Youtube, the internet is controlled by the liberal media apparently.


The Top 10 Campaign Video Moments of 2008

0 comments
Since today is video day at Bihari Shabab, I thought it would be good to direct you to a wonderful collection put together by TIME/CNN. And frankly, I think they could really use some of our heavy traffic. It's the top 10 moments of Campaign 08 and definitely worth the visit. I am embedding two of my favorites here.

First up is a clip that reminds us just how lucky we all are to have avoided the douchebullet that is Mitt Romney. Here Governor Romney visits a group of African American children and looks more uncomfortable than you when your progressive Maulvi Sahab talks to you about porn:



Who let the dogs out indeed, Governor Romney. The second clip is a re-imagining of the Wassup Budweiser commercials from 8 years ago. Now before you turn away in disgust, you cynical bastard, I really recommend you check it out. It's made by the same guys who made the original and I promise a full refund if your body isn't enveloped in goosebumps:



Visit TIME/CNN for the complete list.

Jay-Z Wants You To Vote

0 comments
Listen man, go out and vote, it's 12 o'clock and you haven't voted. This is getting ridiculous. Are we not cool enough to compel you to excersize your right to vote? Is Jay-Z cool enough? He should be.


Yes We Can!

0 comments
Here at the BihariShabab global headquarters we are anticipating that Barack Obama will be the next president of the United States of America. Before you go to vote and are confronted by the ghost of Milton Bradley and his racist rhetoric in the voting booth (that's what the Bradley affect is right?) we want you to watch this music video from Will. I. Am. Yes We Can people. Yes We Can!


Find A Voting Location

0 comments
I just had a thought. What if some of you guys don't know where the closest voting location is? Well don't worry because we've got you covered here at BihariShabab. Just go to the following link and fill out the prompts and you're good to go. Have fun voting, take pictures, and intimidate some Republicans (just kidding! sort of). For the Spanish speaking fans of South-Asian blogs here's Obama's Spanish ad.


If You Want Free Coffee, Vote

0 comments
Today we're going to keep reminding you to go out and vote. It's important that when you vote you get something free in return. And none of that civic pride bullshit either, we're talking tangibles. So we'd like to point out that Starbucks is going to give a free cup of coffee to anyone who votes tomorrow, details are in the following video.


Monday, November 3, 2008

Getting To Know Barack Obama

1 comments
With only one day left before you vote for the next president of the United States of America we've decided to do a recap of both candidates and their running mates. This should help all of you who are on the fence decide on who you want running this great country for the next four years (hint: Barack Obama).

Barack Obama is the Democratic Presidential Nominee. He is the junior Senator from Illinois, in the midst of his first term. This is the first time he has run for President and is the first African American nominee of either major party. Unless you have been living under a Barock the last 2 years, you know who Obama is. He is, as the Republican's correctly identified him, the biggest celebrity in the world and undoubtedly the man of the hour. Regardless of which side you vote for tomorrow, one thing is clear, this entire election is about Barack Obama. You are either voting for him or adamantly voting against him. He is the reason why you are showing up to the poll and the reason why there is passion on both sides. So let's get to know Barack Obama. Is he Muslim? A Marxist / Socialist? Lover of all things Abortion? The secret son of Malcolm X? Join us for a special election edition of Getting to Know Barack Obama.

PS - We know its inconsistent of us to use the above picture of Obama when we have used more intimate pictures of the other three candidates, but there are three reasons why we chose it.
1. We are unabashedly in the tank for Obama.
2. You can't mention the phenomenon that is Barack Obama without making note of the crowds that follow him around. It would be like talking about Pamela Anderson and not mentioning her bosom, or Asif Zardari and not using the phrase "mustachioed-bag of douche".
3. It's a pretty freakin sweet picture.

Name: Barack Hussein Obama II.
Wait, his middle name's Hussein?
Oh shit, I hope the Republicans don't find out, that would put this whole thing in jeopardy.
Born:
August 4, 1961 in Honolulu, Hawaii...oh no wait, or was it Mombasa Kenya, making him ineligible to be President, as per a law suit that was thrown out last week.
Religion: Protestant Christian...oh no wait, maybe he's Muslim. You see, this is a bit complicated as we will cover.
Family: Obama's father, also named Barack was a Kenyan student studying in Hawaii when he met his Caucasian mother, Ann Dunham. Barack Sr., although born into a Muslim family was never held any religious beliefs and is said to be an atheist. Seriously yaar, he drank alcohol and had premarital relationships with white women, your ammi would never approve. Well we know why your Ammi wouldn't approve, but we'll get to that. Anyway, Barack Jr. moved to Indonesia after his mother got married to an Indonesian fellow named Lolo Soetoro who was also Muslim but also drank. Barack's mother was really into progressive Muslims with an affinity for alcohol. It's a shame she passed away in 1995, she would have gotten along spectacularly well with Salman Khan. They could have made one brawny, attractive, well-spoken Indian kid, who could have been the leader that would bring everlasting peace to the Subcontinent. Although chances are he would've settled for doing item numbers with Malika Sherawat.
Anyway, Obama has a Buddhist half-sister named Maya Soetoro-NG from his mother's marriage to Lolo and roughly 27 half-siblings on his father's side, who spread the Obama seed around the world like it was the antidote to malaria. Obama was mostly raised by his Caucasian maternal grandparents Stanley and Madelyn Dunham(who sadly passed away today) in Hawaii.
He got married to Michelle Robinson, whom he met while interning at a Chicago law firm in the late 80's. Fun fact, their first date was to go watch "Do The Right Thing". Upon leaving the theater they ransacked a white neighborhood and set pictures of white Jesus on fire, while chanting racial epithets. No they didn't do that. They're peace loving, gentle souls and anyone who tells you otherwise is a racist asshole who is threatened by educated, opinionated African Americans. Don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise, it is what it is. It's not your fault, well it kind of is, but it's probably the way you were raised. So you can thank your racist ignorant douchbag parents. Anyway, the Obama's have two daughters, Malia (born 1998) and Sasha (born 2001) who are totally adorable and about 10 years from being the Black Caroline Kennedys.
Education: Obama went to elementary school in Indonesia until he was 11, leading some to believe he had been educated in Madrassas. And when I say some, I mean Sean Hannity and the functioning idiots that hang off of his balls. He went to high school in Hawaii and started on the state tournament winning basketball team. In his free time he experimented with drugs including marijuana and crack cocaine, which is may be why his favorite show is The Wire. If there's no other reason to vote for him, we should do just because of that. Oh Barack, you had me at "I shot the boy Mike-Mike in his hind parts".
Barack first attended Occidental for two years, but then transferred to Columbia in his junior year and graduated with a degree in 1983 with a degree in Political Science. After that he moved Chicago and became a community organizer for a couple of years. He eventually went to Harvard Law School where he became the BMOC and the first African American president of the Harvard Law Review. Obama was such a star on campus that Blair Underwood, the handsome young star of LA Law and your girlfriend's adulterous dreams, specifically sought him out when he visited the campus. Upon completion of law school, Obama shunned Wall Street firms to return to Chicago to get involved in the local politics.
He Sounds So Nice, Why Would Anyone Not Like Him. Well other than the obvious race thing, Obama does have a history of hanging out with questionable types. And questionable in the way that these are people seasoned politicians know to avoid. He met and served on a board with William Ayers, who was identified as a domestic terrorist and is now a professor at the University of Chicago. He also served on a board with Rashid Khalidi, a vocal critic of Israel, who was also a professor at the University of Chicago and is now a professor at Columbia. Are these controversial figures? Sure they are. But they're not as bad as Fox News would like you to believe they are. Bill Ayers is held in the same negative light as Osama Bin Laden or Spencer from the Hills. But if he was really that bad he wouldn't be a professor at the University of Chicago. Bill Ayers hasn't done nearly as much damaged to the standing of the United States in the world as Dick Cheney and George Bush (both of whom coincidentally endorse McCain). Ok, rant over.
Politics: According to a 2007 National Journal Review rating, Obama was the most liberal of any senator in the United States. You know what that means. If he's elected President with a Democratic congress in power, free abortions for everyone! Also gay marriage will not only be legal but enforced. Every family will have to designate one "gay", or adopt a gay African baby. Prayer will be outlawed, and Jesus will be banned from all school books including the Bible.
So what should we do on Tuesday?
You should vote for Obama. Seriously people, don't you think it's time for a change. The argument of this election seems to be the real damage that's been done by the policies of George Bush that John McCain supported with the hypothetical damage that some believe would come of an Obama presidency. Now which path makes more sense, the unproven one or the one that's proven to be wrong?
The selection of their running mates is something that also should be closely considered. It is, after all, their first presidential decision. Joe Biden, as we mentioned earlier today, comes with flaws, he's gaffe-prone, he sometimes says too much, his hair is bewitching. But he is competent and worthy of the position Obama pegged him for. Sarah Palin on the other hand was picked only to titillate and excite the base. Her politics are much further right than even John McCain's. You don't pick a running mate just because you want to win an election, you pick one because they are supposed to help you do your job better.
Also, the fact that the entire world minus Israel (the Palestine Issue), Georgia (McCain supported them against Russia from the get go) and the Philippines (hate basketball) would prefer Obama over McCain is something we should make note of. It's a large, globalized world out there now. America can't just consider itself a superpower and not worry what the rest of the world thinks anymore. The days of swinging our all-mighty giant wang around while the rest of the world bows at it's glory are over. But let's say we still want to use that analogy umm... shouldn't we go with the black guy?
Finally, with the economy in the gutter as it is right now, we can't afford somebody who has openly admitted to being weak on it. Obama has a better handle on the economy and what it would take to get the country out of this mess while McCain supported and championed the deregulation that helped get it into the rut it's in.
For these reasons and because he's a silky smooth black dude, we endorse Barack Obama for president. Sure he's different, an unknown and poses the very real threat of being Malcolm X's bastard son, secretly raised in Hawaii by extremists, biding his time to pounce on the country and turn it into a Marxist homo nation, but we'll go ahead and take our chances.

Getting To Know John McCain

0 comments

With only one day left before you vote for the next president of the United States of America we've decided to do a recap of both candidates and their running mates. This should help all of you who are on the fence decide on who you want running this great country for the next four years (hint: Barack Obama).

John McCain is the Republican Presidential Nominee. He's been a fixture in politics for decades and served his country in the Vietnam war. He's in his second presidential race, losing eight years ago to George Bush in the primaries. So what does he have to offer us? What will he do once elected? Can he lift his arms above his shoulders? Does he have a Bangladeshi daughter? All your questions will be answered as we get to know John McCain. All of this information is thanks to a source inside the Republican Party, the guy who edited McCain's Wikipedia page....We really should find some new sources.

Name: John Sidney McCain III
Born: August 29, 1936 making him a sprightly 72 years old.
Religion: McCain isn't a very religious man and tends to keep his faith separate from his political beliefs, which may be why he chose Palin to be his running mate.
Education: McCain's father was a four-star Admiral which meant that his family was always moving, therefore he went to 20 schools before his family settled in Northern Virginia and he went to Episcopal High School which was a private boarding school where he graduated from in 1954. He decided to follow in the footsteps of his father and grandfather and go to the Naval Academy in Annapolis. The Wikipedia entry on his time in the Naval Academy is full of excuses. Apparently he was a natural leader and stood up against bullies. He was a rebel and sometimes clashed with high ranking officials which led to his low class ranking of (894/899) "despite his high IQ." He did well in literature and history but struggled with math. Does the fact that he's bad at math make him ill-prepared to lead the U.S. out of this economic crisis? Probably not, but we'll say it does.
Family: McCain has been married twice, first to Carol Shepp in 1965, he adopted her children and they had a daughter together in 1965. When he came back from war (more on that later) he was physically handicapped and so was Carol from a car accident. They also grew apart and when McCain was teaching a flight squadron in Florida in 1976 he started to have affairs and ultimately in 1980 he divorced Carol to marry his second wife Cindy. John and Cindy had their first child, Meghan, together in 1984, then in 1986 their first son, John IV or Jack as he's known, was born, then in 1988 they had another son, and in 1991 Cindy and John adopted a girl from one of Mother Theresa's orphanages and named her Bridgett. Which makes her the only Bengali girl in the world named Bridgett. McCain's sons are also in the military. How come Obama doesn't have a kid in the military? He hates his country.
He seems kind of like your average politician to me. That's because you don't know about his time at war. While McCain was a pretty sub par student because he apparently didn't apply himself he was a pretty good soldier. I mean, at first he wasn't a good soldier because he kept crashing his planes, but after a little while he got the hang of it and went on 23 bombing missions over Vietnam which is 23 more than Obama or Biden combined. He would've gone on 24 but his plane was hit by a missile and he broke both arms and a leg as he crashed into a lake behind enemy lines. Luckily he was pulled ashore before he drowned by North Vietnamese soldiers who then broke his shoulders (so no, he can't lift his arms above his shoulders) with their rifle butts and stabbed him with their bayonets because hey why not. He was taken to the "Hanoi Hilton" which was Hanoi's POW camp for Americans where he was beaten and interrogated. After the Vietnamese found out that his father was an admiral they allowed McCain to receive medical attention and sent him to a hospital where he stayed for 6 weeks in a body cast. After his stay in the hospital he was transferred to another prison where he was put in solitary confinement for two years. When his father was promoted to commander of all forces in Vietnam the North Vietnamese offered to release him but he refused the offer since they wouldn't release those Americans captured before him. After he refused McCain was subject to torture for a year, during which he caved and gave the Vietnamese some propaganda material (what a girl...). In 1972 McCain was returned home and after leaving the Navy in 1981 McCain started his political career and was elected to Congress out of Arizona. Also in 1998 he delivered perhaps the greatest political joke in the history of the United States with this gem; "Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly? — Because Janet Reno is her father." Brilliant.
So what should we do on Tuesday? Again, I'm glad you asked and you came to the right place to find out. There's no doubt that John McCain is an experienced politician and that he has even crossed party lines to push for something he believes in. Plus he was in a POW camp and stayed there even after given the option to leave so he's more man than either of us will ever be. However, I think it goes without saying that the worst president in American history was Ronald Reagan and McCain was a big supporter of Reaganomics and Reagan's foreign policy which included supporting some dictatorial regimes to take down other dictatorial regimes. Also if Chuck D is to be believed Ronald Reagan flooded the inner cities with crack cocaine. McCain is also a very short tempered person and there's been concern that he'll flip out and drop bombs on some poor country whose ambassador annoyed John McCain. Maybe if Bridgett bothers him he'll drop bombs on Bangladesh, I think that's a very real risk at this point. McCain has done some great work in the senate and I doubt he'll be as bad as Reagan was but his strategy on Iraq is very similar to that of Bush's and we all know how that's turning out. This would be a tougher decision had McCain not included Palin on his ticket. I like McCain though, I think he has integrity and he does what he believes is right which does separate him from the majority of politicians in Washington. However, when it comes down to the issues we pretty much know that McCain is going to give us more of what we've already had with Bush. He'll make things better, but by how much? Plus when you add the fact that you'd be voting for Palin as well does that really make you feel better about another four years of a Republican White House? No, I'd urge you on Tuesday to go out there and vote for Obama. Having Palin a heartbeat away from the presidency is much too risky. However, he does like immigrants so your cousin who's been here on a student visa since 1996 would have a chance at being a citizen.

Getting To Know Joe Biden

3 comments

With only one day left before you vote for the next president of the United States of America we've decided to do a recap of both candidates and their running mates. This should help all of you who are on the fence decide on who you want running this great country for the next four years (hint: Barack Obama).

Joe Biden is the senior Senator from the credit rich state of Delaware(aka Da First State Bitchezz) and on the VP candidate on the Democratic ticket. He has been in senate for 34 years and is one of it's most influential members thanks to his seat on the Judiciary Committee and Foreign Relations Committee. And yet his greatest characteristic may be his ability to connect with the common man, even if he tends to stick his foot in it from time to time. Who is Joe Biden? What does he stand for? What kind of experience does he have? What the eff is that thing on his head? Come let's find out in this special election edition of Getting To Know Joe Biden.

Name: Joseph Robinnette "Bosley Medical" Biden Jr.
Hey Joe Biden sounds like a dirty Mick! First of all shame on you, you racist boob. Secondly, Joe's family is Irish but that doesn't mean he's a drunk anymore than you being a computer nerd because you're Desi. I think I managed to offend two sets of people there. Mission accomplished.
Born: November 20, 1942 in Scranton, PA. So you know, 9 months prior to Joe being born Mr. and Mrs. Biden enacted their own 1942: A Love Story. Pow-Chika-Pow Wow.
Religion: Roman Catholic but he looooves aborting babies, putting him in hot water with his own chruch.
Education: Joe's family moved from Scranton to Claymont, Delaware when he was 11 so his father could find work. In highschool, he was a star halfback/wide receiver in the mold of college-era Reggie Bush leading them to an undefeated season in his senior year. He was not an academic standout but was a leader and participated in an anti-segregation sit-in, a sign of things to come as his career has been defined by how closely he's worked with African Americans. Joe attended the University of Delaware, graduating in 1965 with a double major in History and Political Science. He followed that up with a JD from Syracuse University College of Law in 1968 and entered the Delaware Bar in 1969.
Family: Biden met his first wife, Neilia Hunter while on spring break in 1964. It was because of her that he decided to go to Syracuse for law school as her family was based out of the the cold, barren, devoid of a soul waste dump that is upstate New York. They married in 1966 while Joe was in law school and had three children: Joe (1969), Robert (1970) and Naomi (1971).
When Joe claimed his surprising bid for the Senate in 1972, the Bidens were the picture of an ideal All-American family. At the age of 29, he was the fifth youngest senator in the history of the senate with a bright future ahead of him. But a couple of weeks after the election, Neilia and Naomi were killed in an accident that left Joe III and Robert in critical condition. Joe seriously considered resigning from his seat, but was eventually persuaded to stay in the senate. To make sure that he was there for his ailing sons, Joe traveled by train every day from Delaware to DC, which is something he does to this day. I would go on, but my bitch tears are about to set my keyboard on fire.
Eventually Joe met and married Jill Jacobs, a school teacher, in 1977. Jill and Joe have a daughter Ashley(1981), who is pretty foxy but not as foxy as her mom. Grrr Cougar.
Politics & Experience: Joe was elected to the Senate in 1972 at the tender age of 29 (30 when he was sworn in), and has kept his seat without much competition. He has won 5 additional terms and is the longest tenured Senator in the history of Delaware. He sits on the Senate Judiciary Committee and the Foreign Relations Committee, which is a big reason Barack Obama picked him to be his running mate. Biden is as qualified as any Senator in terms of foreign relations experience and is an ardent supporter of Israel, proclaiming himself a Zionist. So to all those old Jews in Florida worried about Obama's stance on Israel, how do you like them Mozza Balls? He is pretty liberal and has received high marks from the crime, education, environment, health, and homeland security lobbies. He has received an F from the Gun lobby even though he's the owner of a shotgun, which he threatened to shoot Barack Obama with if Obama came after it. Awesome. Biden is also supportive of guest-worker visas and wanted to provide Social Security to illegal immigrants as he believes in the path to citizenship. He is against Internet piracy and file sharing though, so that means he's for transporting Chinese illegals in shipping containers as long as they don't have a pirated version of High School Musical 3 on them. If the Republicans really wanted to connect with the average male American, they should have run on a "Biden wants to take away your Porn" platform. They would be up 69 points in the polls...HEYOOO!
Biden has run for President twice, in 1988 and 2008. His campaign in 1987 got off to a strong start, raising the most money out of the three major candidates (Biden, Michael Dukakis, and Dick Gephart), but enthusiasm quickly dissipated as the campaign failed to find it's identity. The entire thing came to a crashing halt when Joe was accused of plagiarizing a speech by British politician Neil Kennock. Joe had correctly cited a speech by Kennock as part of his stump speech until he forgot to do it once. Charges of plagiarism from as far back as Law school were revealed(incorrect citations on a paper) and that was that. Meanwhile, Sean Combs hasn't created an original piece of music in the last 15 years and his punishment was having an extended relationship with Jenifer Lopez and approximately 187 models, singers and actresses. Maybe if Biden just played Kennock's speech and freestyled over it with random "Yeah Yeahs", "Yo Baby"s and "Ha..haaa..that's right"s, he would've not only been President but also won 4 Grammys and gotten to sleep with Cassie.
Biden's bid in 08 was, well we all know what happened there.
Health: Biden almost died from an Aneurysm in 1988 that had begun leaking, but since then has enjoyed a fairly clean bill of health. Some have raised an eyebrow over the fact that Joe doesn't seem to be able to raise his eyebrows anymore, but the campaign denies the use of Botox. Also, it seems he has magically regrown hair, his own hair, that feels completely natural, and not ridiculous like a wig. Joe can now go swimming and date younger women as per the pictures that come in the brochure.
So what should we do on Tuesday? Well considering you don't actually get to vote for a Vice President, the measuring stick for an VP candidate is if they take something away from the top of the ticket. Joe Biden, for all his gaffes and questionable elective surgeries, brings way more to the table than he takes away. Supremely competent and with the experience that a young President would need while they get their bearings in the Whitehouse, Biden is exactly who Obama needed on his ticket(Sorry Hillary supporters). Throughout his career he has been vocal for what he believes in and hasn't shied away from making people uncomfortable. When it comes to VPs, we could do a lot worse. So go out there and vote for Joe Biden. He's loud, he's proud and he's got a somewhat full head of hair.

Getting To Know Sarah Palin

1 comments
With only one day left before you vote for the next president of the United States of America we've decided to do a recap of both candidates and their running mates. This should help all of you who are on the fence decide on who you want running this great country for the next four years (hint: Barack Obama).

Sarah Palin has been arguably the most controversial figure of this election. She was picked by John McCain to be his running mate in August and since then she's captured the imagination of Americans all over America with her can do spirit and her hockey mom attitude! But what do we really know about our potential vice-president? The following information is brought to you by Wikipedia and for once the Encyclopedia Britannica! but mostly Wiki since the Encyclopedia is pretty lacking in information, no wonder Wiki has replaced you Britannica.

Name: Sarah Louise Heath Palin
Hey Sarah Heath Palin sounds like a woman! That's because she is and a competent one at that (a competent woman! chortles). She is the first female governor of Alaska and the first female to run on the Republican Party's National Ticket.
Born: February 11, 1964 in Sandpoint, Idaho. her family moved to Alaska before she was one.
Religion: She was born a Catholic then went to a Pentecostal Church, but since 2002 she has belonged to an independent congregation and considers herself a "Bible-believing Christian" she's also been described as deeply religious by her campaign spokesperson.
Education: In highschool Palin was the starting point guard for the highschool basketball team in Wasilla when they won the state champion. She also led her school's chapter of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Palin attended four colleges before graduating with a degree in communications/journalism from the University of Idaho in 1987, including Hawaii Pacific University for a semester and Matanuska-Susitna Community College in 1984 after finishing third in the Miss Alaska Pageant. That may reflect poorly on her until you think back to 1945 when Harry Truman was elected president even though he never even went to college and hey, a degree's a degree.
Family: Palin eloped with her "child-hood sweetheart" Todd in 1988 not because she was pregnant but because she didn't think her parents could afford a big wedding. In 1989 Palin gave birth to her first son, Track. I can guarantee you that if she gave birth to a set of twin boys their names would've been Track and Field, God she's a hill-billie, also Track enlisted in the Army and is currently serving in Iraq for 12 months. Anyways, in 1990 she gave birth to her first and most embarrassing daughter, Bristol, who is notable for being five months pregnant when her mother was picked to be McCain's running mate. Palin gave birth to two more daughters; Willow, who I was sort of into until I just now learned that she was born in 1995....wow I feel terrible about that, and Piper, who I do not find attractive at all, was born in 2001. She has one more son, Trig who was born in 2008 and was prenatally diagnosed with downs syndrome. No joke there, moving on.
Politics: Sarah Palin was chosen by McCain to appeal to the blue collar, hard working, America loving, good, honest people in the rural parts of this country. She's supposed to appeal to the everyman and inject some vitality in the Republican campaign. She proved to be an effectual mayor when she was mayor of Wasilla and improved the town's infrastructure and increased the operating budget. Which is nice until you realize Wasilla is a town of 10,000 people which probably means that infrastructure is an extra stop sign on main street. Sarah Palin is pro-life and that's pretty much it. She also has extensive foreign policy experience because she governed Alaska which is as foreign to most Americans as Nicaragua.
So what should we do on Tuesday? First of all I'm glad you asked and I'm glad you recognize me as the political pundit that I am. I can't force you to vote either way, I'm pretty sure that's illegal, but Sarah Palin is woefully in over her head. She's a competant woman who loves Alaska and she's a good Governer and would probably be a good Senator too but she cannot address the needs of the United States of America because she's a hill-billie. Also, what people are ignoring is that she's from Alaska. How many of us go moose hunting and play pond hockey? I know Alaska is technically a state but that's just because it has oil. In reality Alaska and Hawaii are territories just like Puerto Rico except more valuable and with less Reggaeton (Daddy Yankee supports the Republican ticket, if that influences your vote one way or the other. By the way, his hit song "Gasolina" is about a woman's love for his sperm, rock the vote!). The only reason you should vote for a ticket with Sarah Palin is if you would love to see another Zardari-Palin meeting or if you're a racist.

Bihari Shabab Election 08 Spectacular

0 comments
As we arrive to the eve of the the 2008 Presidential election, all the major media outlets have checked in with their predictions, endorsements and liberal media homosexual-loving, child aborting biases. Well all except for this fine organization. So please join us today, November 3rd, as we honor the 4 major participants with the greatest honor that can be bestowed upon a human being that is not an AVN award. That's right, their very own Bihari Shabab "Getting To Know" features.
We will be updating the website throughout the course of the day so please do check back on an hourly basis, preferably from multiple computers because election coverage doesn't grow on trees. We look forward to your patronage.